Suffering = Success?

I am about 10 days from my first fill and my weight loss is moving right along. I don't feel like I am working as hard as before the fill and I can truly eat two meals a day and be good. But...I have this nasty mouth issue that I have now confirmed to be something called ketosis. Sounds scary but apparently it happens when you do not eat carbohydrates and your body is forced to burn fat for energy, rather than sugars. Sounds great huh?

Not so much. This might be TMI...or pretty gross, but here I go. My tongue is raw and sensitive and often coated with a white film. My mouth tastes like I have been sucking on pennies. Part of me is like ARGHGHGHGHGH and the other part of me is like YEAH - suffering = success.

But does suffering equal success? Or is this another hangup I have to get over as I quit my role as the chronic dieter and move toward weight loss success? And how many other things would I put up with in order to drop a size or two or three or ten?

Hey Molly, Where Were You?

I am the kind of person where a little competition goes a long way. I am also the kind of person where I do better when someone holds me accountable. In theory, the weekly Weight Watchers weigh in was supposed to do that - hold me accountable in front of a stranger. But I always had the same pattern: sign up, work hard, lose weight for a couple of weeks, get bored with counting points, gain weight, stop going. No one from Weight Watchers ever called me and said "Hey Molly, where were you last week?" My two daily observations about the band:

1. I have to go to the doctor. I have to go and get weighed and talk to the nutritionist and get my fills. Talk about being held accountable.

2. The band is supposed to work. It is supposed to set my limits. Whether I step on a scale or sign up for some program, the band is always supposed to be working.

At my nutritionist appointment this week, she basically implied that IF I am making decently healthy food choices and NOT losing weight, then the band needs adjustment. And I realized, yet again, that I have a permanent partner in this journey. My friend the band is partially responsible - that we are supposed to work together to achieve my goals. So, instead of KNOWING that no one will call and say, "What's up girl? You didn't show up." - I actually have to accept that I have an entity that says "Even if you don't show up, I am going to set some limits." It feels really good - and different.

Installed AND Turned On

Had my first fill today. Like the nutritionist said, the band was installed 24 days ago, but it hasn't been turned on until today. This means that the 18 pounds I have lost to date are diet related - and not band related. AND, the 5 pounds I have lost in the last 16 days are due to my diligence and hard work (and a little placebo effect).

Saw my surgeon, who of course remembered my husband (everyone does). The fill was pain free. He gave me 4ccs. I could feel the tubing move instead of me. I am a confirmed cyborg according to my son. I was afraid to drink the water, but I did and it took longer than normal to go down, but it did. I was given the warnings again about eating slow and chewing thoroughly.

And now...back to liquid for two days... and then, on to the rest of my life. I can do this. I know I can.

For some feedback on my general question of physiology....
Dr. Fielding confirmed that portion size is established by pouch size. It does not get smaller - but can be stretched by bad habits. He also confirmed that band tightness EXTENDS SATIETY (aka, the longer a person can go without feeling hungry between meals). Band tightness, in 99% of all cases, does not cause a productive burp (PB). Poor eating habits cause PBs, according to Dr. Fielding, and most people are unwilling to admit it and thus attribute it to band tightness. This makes me reflect on a lot of the things I see posted or bantered about. PBs are not a sign of the sweet spot. PBs are not a sign of success. They are undeniably a reminder that we are forgetting the rules. WEIGHT LOSS is a sign of the sweet spot - and a sign of playing by the rules.

Group Think

Sometimes we can get information overload. And sometimes, the information is not correct. Just having a band implanted into our abdomen does not a medical prophet make.

I am coming up on my first fill on Thursday. I purposefully made this appointment with my surgeon as I need him to explain some things to me. (He has the band too.) Here's my list:

- What are the physiologic implications of the band - REALLY. I mean, I read the chat boards and we are all lead to believe that restriction relates to a restriction in WHAT we eat. But being the medically obsessed person that I am, isn't the restriction really in HOW MUCH we can eat? And doesn't a fill just PROLONG the amount of time that it takes the food to leave the newly created pouch (thereby creating an extended duration of time in which we feel full)?

- Are PBs a sign of something going right or something going wrong? We fat people think nothing good will come of something that doesn't have torture attached to it. And again, I read the chat boards and I see people talking about how they can't keep anything down and it comes right back up. But this is NOT the goal, correct? The sweet spot is not related in ANY WAY to the number of times per day that a person PBs... gross.

- And why is it that people tend to gain a little weight after their surgery before their first fill? I am consuming a well-regulated 1000 calories per day now. Sure, without the fill I am in effect dieting - starving between meals. In theory, the fill will get rid of this feeling of emptiness. But why, why why am I not losing weight if I am still not eating more than 1000 calories? And how how how will a fill fix this?

Got any others I should ask of a banded expert?

Whey Cool

My husband came home yesterday with a bag of unflavored whey protein. I used to like jewelry and coach bags....but I have to say, this was an excellent gift. First of all, unflavored protein changes my entire banded existence. Foods low in protein can become - POOF - high protein selections with the wave of a scoop. 25 grams of protein in one lovely serving... love it.

But secondly, he gets it. He totally does. He gets that I want this so much and he has tricks up his sleeve...whey whey cool.

This day's a wash....or is it?

I cannot possibly be the only fat girl in the world who has done the following:

Wake up. Resolve to eat healthily this day. Eat a good breakfast. Say okay when your friend invites you out to lunch. Eat 4 pieces of pizza. Feel stuffed. Gross. Overfilled. And say to yourself....I BLEW THIS DAY. I will eat crap for the rest of the day and then start over tomorrow. (This is my secret for achieving the lovely weight I have now.)

Today's revelation - I eat practically NOTHING and I feel stuffed. My brain says "YOU BLEW IT GIRL", but then I catch myself. NO I DID NOT. I have a band. The band makes me feel full. I did not blow it. The day is not a wash. We are still on track. I am not a loser!!

I like my band. Too bad it didn't come with a lobotomy.

Patience....

I have no patience. I know this about myself. It is the reason that most of my previous weight loss attempts failed. I am an all or nothing girl. I can do weight watchers and take two aerobics classes back to back everyday until I step on the scale and it hasn't moved. Then I go get ice cream and eat everything off the Chili's menu. And throw away all the work I put in.

A couple of observations made yesterday:

1. I will NEVER again be able to throw in the towel with the same gusto as before (band says NO to the entire Chili's menu) - so why bother giving up? Just stay the course.

2. I need to stop weighing myself twice a day. I have resolved to only weigh myself on Friday mornings. This in and of itself will create the need to be patient.

3. I have NEVER EVER EVER lost one pound per week GUARANTEED for one full year. NEVER. So even moving slowly with the band, will create an amazing opportunity for myself. That would be 52 lbs down in one year. Seriously, I would never be able to do that without my new friend.

4. Long time banded people are relatively normal human beings, eating relatively normal things. When I went to see my surgeon the first time he said, do you know why skinny girls are skinny? Because they stop eating. Fat girls keep eating. The experienced bandsters I see online seem to have been able to adopt this skinny girl mentality.

How's that? Come on - let's toast my discoveries with our protein shakes held high. ;)

Food....

Just when I thought I couldn't drink another thing, my 10th day post-op arrives and with it, clearance to eat soft and mushy food. If you would have told me that I would be afraid of food at this point, I would have LAUGHED and I mean LAUGHED in your face. But I am. I am afraid to do something wrong. I am afraid to put an end to this awesome daily weight loss I have experienced since I went liquid.

I ate egg salad. And I had a tablespoon of refried beans. The ground did not shake - the earth did not move. I did not hurt. I did not get sick. I also did not lose weight today.

Before I got the band, everyone always said "Remember, it's a tool." And then you talk to people at their goal weight and they are like, "It's awesome, I don't have to do anything." Well, people, I am not at the I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING stage - I am at the obsess, freak out and worry phase. Yesterday, I spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to consume enough protein to keep my muscle and oh, some hair - all while not consuming more than 50 grams of fat. Try it - it ain't easy.

But today is a new day. A new day to get it right - to learn more - to take care of myself. Lap-band.com's quote of the day is very appropriate for my mindset, here it is:

Patience and the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

It is Real

I saw it. I saw it inside of me. I saw the port and the tubing snaking up through my abdomen and cinching my stomach. It's real.

I had my first esophagram today. Drank barium while they took pictures. It took 65 seconds max. But what it produced was incontrovertible evidence of the fact that I am indeed "banded." If all goes well, I will live the rest of my life with this device wrapped around the bottom of my esophagus, reminding me that no one really needs to eat a full pound of pasta. And you know what, I feel better about this than I did last week. It's good. The band accepts me and I accept the band.

Am I?

"I'm starving," says my husband as he walks past me out of our room and downstairs. And I think, "Me too." And then I think, am I? I have no idea. I mean, I don't feel hungry I guess. Then I wonder, how long have I followed him to the table? How many times have I eaten because he was starving? It's actually kind of pathetic... let's do some rough math. I have been with him for 15.5 years. Let's say I eat 3 times per week (conservatively speaking) that I was not hungry, but he was. Let's say I consumed an unneeded 400 calories every time I did this. That's 967,200 calories over 15 years....

Before I went in for surgery the other day, he said "I did this to you." He's crazy. He did not do this to me. I did this to me. He just made it okay for me to do. He made it easy for me to do.

So, now my band will make it hard for me to do. So this means that my husband and my band need to learn to work together... or to at least like each other ;)