I've moved

http://aleadsinger.wordpress.com/

My return

Yeah yeah... I know it's been like 9 months since I blogged... but I am back.  I have moved my blog however to wordpress.  Could you follow me there?  I've kept up with you all, reading your blogs. 

Find me here:  http://aleadsinger.wordpress.com/

NSVssssssss

On Saturday, I rode a horse.  Not the western beach pony ride thing.... I rode a show jumper again.  23 years after I sold my last horse.... I got on.  And they were right.  It's like riding a bike.  I hadn't forgot anything.  It was so incredibly freeing.... OMG.  I don't have words honestly.

Then Sunday, I went with my husband to a birthday party for my daughter's friend.  It was at a roller skating rink.  My husband got his skates and went off with my daughter.  I sat with the other mothers and talked.  He came back around and said, "You want to skate?"

Fat me would have said NO WAY.  No way I want some one to watch me.  People will look at me.  NO WAY.  So, I said YES!  And I did.  I did it.  And people watched me... and I didn't care ;)

Dreams Come True

I want to talk about this picture.....

This is a picture of two of my greatest dreams.... I am skinny.  I am standing in front of property at the beach in Costa Rica that I OWN.  Two life time dreams have come true.... and I ain't even 40 yet darn it.

MIA

Totally MIA - totally off the radar....

After my unfill, I gained a couple of pounds back and got half of my unfill put back in, mostly because I was freaking out.  But now, I am stable and I feel good.  I am trying to hydrate more and I think I am at a good, long term place.  I stay away from that scale and actually do that crazy thing that skinny people talk about doing... you know that thing about having a pair of jeans that you try on to check yourself?  Yup, that's my trick.  The size 6 low rise from American Eagle.  When they are too loose, I eat more.  When they are too tight, I eat less.  Works well and I can ignore that piece of equipment that has graced my bathroom floor for the past 39 years.

While I have been gone, life has been going on.  People suck.  People hurt each other.  People do selfish and horribly cruel things to other people.  And worse, people hate themselves and self destruct.  I have been watching the world around me.  And while I see cruelty, I also see beauty.  I see my babies.  I see kindness.  I see love.  I see hope and possibilities.  I see new beginnings.  Spring is coming ;)

Make your journey count.  Make every minute count.  Massive weight loss is life altering.  It opens so many doors, we just need to have our eyes open and our hearts ready. 

Water water water

Ok, 11 days ago, I got .15 ccs pulled from my band.  I weighed in at 147 that morning.  Within 5 days, I had gained 5 lbs and weighed in at 152.  I WAS FREAKING OUT.

So I ran right back in today and got some head adjustment ;)  He put .10 back in - but he told me that I was probably dehyrated at 147 - and the loosening of the band allowed for better hydration.  Scary.  One gallon of water weights 8 lbs... did you know?

Regardless, I needed a bump because I was freaking out.  I promised to drink one G2 per day from here on out.  I honestly didn't feel bad but I guess I need to drink something other than coffee ;)

I feel fat

OMG... I remember how annoyed I would get listening to skinny friends say they felt fat.  It was so incredibly tedious, I often felt like I wanted to come out of my skin.  I mean seriously, how can you weigh 140 lbs, be standing next to me who weighs 286 lbs, and be honestly complaining that you feel fat.

NEWS FLASH:  FEELING FAT IS RELATIVE

Who would have thunk?? 

I feel fat this week.  Seriously, I do.  I also feel stupid and ungrateful for even putting it into print.  I weigh 139 lbs less than I did two years ago, yet I swear, I feel fat today.  And if I say it out loud, any one around me is like WHAT?!?!?! 

What is this phenomenon?  I guess it is water weight - the normal fluctuations in our own bodies - and our sensitivity to it.  But why, as women, are we conditioned to freak out?  To comment on it?  To obsess about it?  How can I even spend a day feeling deflated about it?  I am not fat.  I just feel bloated - or heavier - or something other than FAT.  I was FAT.  I am no longer FAT.  Give it a rest already....

Friday Weigh In - and the Unfill

Hiya - happy Friday!

Lowest recorded weight today:  147 lbs  (that's 139 lbs lost)

Got my .15 cc unfill yesterday.  Dr. Fielding agreed that it was time to slow down the wagon.  I told him I was extremely nervous and he said that it was right to be nervous - that we had to find a good balance.  I have been losing about .5 to 1 pound per month and that really has to stop.  But he wants to make sure I don't get hungry - so the game begins.  I go back in 5 weeks.  The .15 was the undo of my last fill - one year ago.  PLEASE don't let me gain weight.  I have to tell myself that anything between 146 and 150 is FINE.  And be FINE with that.  It is so incredibly hard to shake the LOSER mind set.  I must lose.  I must lose.  God, I have had that mindset for more than two decades. 

Here's a pic from my Saturday night date in NYC with my husband.  Have a great weekend!

Delay

So, doc cancelled.  Turns out docs can get sick - I go next week.

Also, I am abandoning the weekly weigh in - there's no point....  I am down .2.  No movement is good at this point.  Holding is beautiful.  I will post my weight once a month.  This is for life right?  Then why obsess anymore?

Instead, I will go back to waxing philosophical on the mental game that is weight loss.  That's much more fun anyway ;)

Unfill

Going to NYU in a couple of hours and I am very nervous.  It's funny.  I am trying to figure out why.  I don't want to gain weight.  I don't want to go back.  As tight as I am and as much as I still struggle to avoid PBing, I don't know what will happen after an unfill.  Keep you posted ;)

On another note, went to Ann Taylor to buy a suit.  SIZE 4.  Yes, you read that right.  I am a size freaking 4 in my new suit.  It is actually ridiculous - they must run big right???  My hubby came with me and he was really really supportive which was nice.  It was the first time in my life that I could try on anything and ended up picking a suit because it looked great rather than, "Hey, it fits."  Memorable moments....

The time has also come to do my breast lift.  I am going on February 8 for the final consultation.  I really cannot stand this part of my body anymore and I have to take action rather than sitting around and lamenting something that could so easily and quickly be remedied.  This is 2012 and I am living this year for me.  And ME wants new boobs ;)

Weigh In Day

Today's Weight:  147.4 lbs (up .2 since December 23)

AND THIS ROCKS because that was Christmas, the holiday week, New Year's.... An SV if you will ;)
Very happy about this number, very happy that I seem to have settled in.  Now I question whether I should have the unfill - but I am keeping the appointment and will let good ole' Doctor Fielding decide.

2012

I'm gonna be 40 this year - and I am okay with that ;)  This is going to be my year - my year to be me, the authentic me, me without my padding, me without other people's crap, ME.