NSV....

Yeah baby....ran over a mile straight today with no issues. Getting better...

I have also stopped weighing myself everyday and can I just say, it is extremely rewarding. Because my weight loss is now about 2-3 lbs per week, watching the scale daily can be very frustrating. But when you weigh yourself once a week, the change is pretty mind blowing. I recommend it.

And a comment about Christmas.... a nibble on a Christmas cookie, a couple glasses of wine... no excess... no self control needed and SERIOUSLY...no guilt. Let me just jot that down in my gratitude journal now.

Much love...

What would I do without you all?

BEFORE MY BAND TODAY

Taking time to enjoy it.....

Crying?

Ahhh...I have to put this one up on LapbandTalk....

Went to my monthly appointment today and actually saw my surgeon, who I think is a phenomenal doctor and person. As I have mentioned before on here, he too was banded. He looked at my 14 and 12 lb monthly loses over the last two months and said NO JUICE - and I am happy about that because I have been struggling a little, although it has been better lately.

We talked for awhile, about hair loss (it will stop when my weight stablizes) and having a glass of wine with dinner (you'll figure out how to do it someday). We also talked about the stress on relationships from such a life-changing event. A major topic was the issue of guilt - and how I no longer have guilt around food and how I feel that void so strongly sometimes that it hurts! It was a really great appointment, the kind that everyone deserves to have. And before I left, he said that the next 50 lbs will be life altering in a way I haven't experienced yet. He gave me a hug.

I got in my car, drove through the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to Jersey and promptly started crying. Not sad. Not really happy. Scared I think. I don't know. I no longer feel like people look at me and think, WHOA, she's fat. I no longer feel uncomfortable in public. I have clothes that look nice on me. I don't mind being naked (don't love it yet, but definitely don't mind). What am I scared of?

Got home and called the addiction therapist that I met with pre-surgery as one of my insurance requirements. Trying to make an appointment for January. Maybe he can help me with this scared thing.... what am I scared of? How can I be scared? And is it scared? Or is it happy? awwwwhhhhhh.....

When I met with the therapist the first time, he talked a lot about how the FAT BRAIN stays around a lot longer than the FAT BODY. But I told him then and I still feel now that I have always felt like a SKINNY person in a horribly torturous fat body. So this progress I have made is toward the reconciliation of my self and my body. Should that not be a good thing?

TMI (don't read if you don't want to know)

Okay then.... got a little bump about 10 days ago. I was tight before and now I am, logically, even tighter. I was the girl who swore she would never PB. That goal is gone. I actually feel a little bulimic. Not by choice, just by circumstance. I cannot stand the sliming and the pain associated with having something stuck. I don't have sufficient patience. So I often lose the first couple of bites I take of something. Pretty gross - but I am working on it. I know I need to focus and take my time. I have had some successful meals - but mostly, I need a lot of time to eat. So much time that things get cold. So much time that sometimes I stop and go switch the laundry in the middle of a meal. I'm weird. Everyone around here is learning to accept it. I am struggling to get in 65 or 70 grams of protein though. I eat so little and think about food so infrequently, that I have to force myself to keep track. Protein shakes are my staple - I use them to catch up if I have fallen behind. Really truly, it is simply amazing how little I eat. Today, I have had a protein shake (25 grams of protein, 165 calories), a tiny can of tuna with mayo (200 calories and 18 grams of protein), 3 ounces of salmon (175 calories and 19 grams of protein) and a small piece of avocado (45 calories) and some coffee and water. That means 585 calories and 62 grams of protein. I am full and I will have to force in another protein shake just to feel like I had a sufficient intake. THIS BAND THING IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean seriously.... I have reduced my daily calorie intake by about 3000 calories. Although this week, I think I am too low and that's why I only lost 1.8 lbs instead of the 3 per week that I had been losing. But I have my next goal in sight - to have lost 60 lbs - only 8 lbs to go!

I have reread some of my earlier posts and it is so funny how much I have changed and how much my experience with the band has changed. I love it still - but my life is so different and it no longer revolves around food. I wish I could have done this myself but there would have been NO WAY IN THE WORLD that would have happened. Thank you Doctor Fielding for keeping your promise.

Come on 50!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah yeah...I'm still here. Plugging away....might be near my sweet spot... weight is just coming off. Go for a fill tomorrow - but do I need one if I have lost 14-15lbs in the last month? I wish I could explain really how it feels to really really be losing weight. Not the yo-yo stuff - but really be getting smaller every day. I will probably be in the 230s tomorrow morning - from 286!!!! 50 lbs is just around the corner.... OMG.

I just read a post online about feeling bulimic. I definitely feel bulimic. When things get stuck, I just don't have the restraint to wait it out. I want it gone. So this means that I have days where I can't keep down anything I eat. But then I have a stretch like I have had this week where everything is fine (I probably need a fill). The fewer distractions I have, the better I do. If the phone rings, maybe I swallow before I have chewed enough. If people are talking to me, maybe I lose the concentration it takes to chew food to liquid... I am figuring it out and I have to say, this is the best decision I ever made ;)

Halloween Sucks

Candy is everywhere!!!!!!! ARHGHGHGHG..... and chocolate is pretty easy to eat IF you are hungry, have not eaten and aren't drinking. So this is my solution, I drink water incessantly. If not water, then Vitamin Water Zero or a G2. It is painful to eat something when you are drinking so this works pretty well as a deterrent. And I am about to hit 40 lbs right when my house fills up with candy.... why.....???

New Orleans - Diet Blower?

Oh yeah...I'm not on a diet. And oh yeah...I can't blow the non-existent diet.

Old me moment....diet diet diet, go away for the weekend and gain 5 lbs that took me one month to take off. Be stressed - so stressed I didn't want to go anywhere. That's the old me - the pre-band me. The new me just realized that it doesn't matter where I go, I won't be able to overeat and I won't be able to sabotage myself. Can you imagine???

I have lost 5lbs since my fill last Thursday. I have to eat SUPER slow - and I really have quite a lot of restriction. I am still sometimes frustrated by it - but really, I am super grateful. I weighed 247.8 lbs this morning. My size 18s are loose. I can wear shorts in New Orleans and not be the fat sweaty girl. Have I mentioned lately that I love my band?

Frustration

Frustration has set in a little. I had a .5 cc fill on Thursday and I really cannot eat anything. I had to hide in the bushes at soccer yesterday to spit up a drink of lemonade that I took too quickly. All that time that the doctors tell you to chew thoroughly and sip your drinks, it was practice. Practice for this time where the band is unforgiving and nothing goes through that hasn't been completely measured and masticated. I am kind of frustrated.... ;( My sister is visiting and she was not really supportive of this surgery - and then to have her see me struggle like this - it is a little embarassing. She didn't even comment on my weight loss!!

I keep telling myself that this is a rough period and it will pass and I will make the adjustment. I am bolstered by my doctor's visit and their positively thrilled feedback on my progress to date. I have been chugging along - 5lbs in 3 weeks. I cannot complain about that - and the doctor is extremely impressed with my progress. I have to keep reminding myself that this was the point - I want to be skinnier. I want to wear nice clothes. Yesterday I wore size 18 skinny jeans with 3 inch heel boots - I felt so different. No longer the FATEST girl in the room. I have to keep focusing on this - and not on the other things.

One note on the physical....I can feel my band now. Maybe it is the swelling... but I can feel it. If I lie on my left side, I feel my organs pushing on it. It's strange - I never felt it before. But as the nurse said, we are now getting to the sweet spot - to the kind of restriction that I am supposed to have. I don't go back until November 15 so it will be interesting to see how I settle into this over the next couple of weeks.

Party (Revised Version)

Last night, my husband and I threw our 4th annual Tapas Party. This party is the biggest in our group of friends. 40 people come to our house and my husband cooks for days. This year, the party was very different for me. Usually I eat endlessly for 5 hours, drink enough to stay buzzy for hours and have a great time. Different party this year since my band was in attendance.

I am a tequila drinker. I can drink a lot of tequila. And I did do one shot - and let me just say, it was not pleasant. The tequila hits the pouch and hangs there for a little while - not fun. Tequila is not meant to sit in your esophagus. It burned. I did not do it again. I did drink some skinny girl margaritas and I hung out with the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. I did not eat however. Late in the evening, I ate some chicken from the inside of an enchilada - and I ate some ceviche. But I can assure you, I was the ONLY hungry person at midnight.

The party was very different for me this time. I still had fun. I still loved being with the people. But this party is a food party... and I am no longer a food person. Do I sound a little bummed? Maybe I was... for a couple of hours, but today, I don't feel like crap. There's a definite upside.

The Gym.....

I had the best workout this morning. I had my IPod cranking and I really pushed myself hard. And I wore a TANK TOP to the gym.... no way. Usually I would be fully covered. Thought I would share a picture of where I am right now - 32 pounds down and under 100 to go. Love my band ;)

I hate eating....

Day 72 post-op, reporting from the field of battle....

I remember eating without thinking. Mindless eating. Eating what was in front of you. Eating enough for a whole day at one sitting.... well, I kind of remember that. Tell you one thing, I sure don't miss it.

I hate eating now. I mean it. Eating is slow, time-consuming and seriously frustrating. I haven't had a single meal in the last 2 weeks that didn't take more time than it was worth.

HOLY COW PEOPLE...this freaking band might be working??????

Here's my typical day lately:
7:30am - COFFEE
8:15-9:00am - GYM (interval/weight training)
9:30am PROTEIN SHAKE (on gym days only)
10-12pm: I focus on consuming liquid (water, G2 or Vitamin Water Zero) - I can usually get about 20-24 ounces in during this time.
12:30pm: 3 ounces of chicken breast, one tablespoon mayo and a little lettuce or zucchini
1:30-4:30pm: again, I drink about 20 ounces of fluid during this time
4:30pm: one low fat laughing cow spreadable wedge of cheese (and maybe a bagel crisp)
6:30pm: 4 ounces fish, half cup of broccoli

This is about 950 - 1050 calories (depending on the shake). I worry because I don't eat fruit really at all anymore. The other day I even looked up the symptoms of scurvy... but I take my vitamins and I feel really good. And.... DRUM ROLL.... I am losing weight for the first time in 2 decades.

I have to see my surgeon next week....do I need a fill?? I have FOR SURE loosened since last time. I couldn't eat for 4 days after the last fill. What will next week have in store for me?

Total Scale Victory

30 POUNDS GONE FROM THIS BODY!!! Today, I weigh 256 pounds - still large and in charge - but 30 pounds less of me. SO HAPPY - so incredibly happy!!

Overeating....

I have said this before on my blog - I was a really good dieter. I would diet and work out and lose 20 lbs and then hit a plateau and quit. Back on came the 20, plus 5 for punishment. I have lived the last 20 years of my life like that, in these yo-yo cycles. I have been "good" now for 65 days. That's a record. Last night, we went out to eat with the kids and I ordered chicken parm with no pasta. I ate the little salad that came first. I ate about 3 ounces of the chicken. I was full. I was done. But I wanted to eat more - I didn't need more. But I wanted to eat more. But guess what? I couldn't. I physically could not do it. Can I get a THANK YOU BAND??? As I settle in to this commitment I made, I have these daily realizations about how unhealthy I lived my life before. I would have eaten the 1000 calorie dinner placed in front of me - without even giving it a second thought. This decision is out of my control right now though, and that feels pretty good. I read posts by the pre- or newly-banded about how they afraid that they won't be able to eat the things they love anymore - and the reality is that it becomes a non-issue and I am seeing that now. Someone online referred to her new stomach as expensive real estate - and that is really what it is. I have very little room to be messing around. And not messing around is going to get me to my goal...

ONE POUND UNTIL 30 LBS LOST!!! COME ON BABY!!!

Goosebumps.....

When my husband handed me my plate last night to carry to the dinner table, I actually got goosebumps.... goosebumps people. And not from excitement - but rather from apprehension. Was I going to be able to eat the chicken? The string beans? So funny.... to go from someone who often ate so much that she would perspire, to someone who is so hesitant to eat... therein lies the beauty of the band. I admit that this is probably not a perfect situation - and I acknowledge that I am in a process of self-discovery and adjustment, but seriously, I am not going to eat garbage - it just is not worth it.

Eating to Celebrate

It has finally happened - the thing I feared would happen since the day I decided to be banded. My husband is freaking out. Yesterday was our 12 year wedding anniversary and we had planned to go to NYC on Saturday night. Instead, when I got home, I found a neighbor in our kitchen and my husband cooking. My kids and the neighbor's kids were downstairs playing. And I was confused - weren't we going out to dinner? Obviously my husband had other plans.

So the next morning, on our actual anniversary, I ask "What was that about last night? Weren't we going to go to dinner in the city?" And his response was "What for? You can't even enjoy it." Surely, he's kidding. But no, he feels like this. He is starting to realize how much I have changed my eating habits and he is freaking out. Human beings eat to celebrate. If I can't eat, then why celebrate right? WRONG. Men suck sometimes. I still would have liked to put on a dress (that fits me better) and slapped on some high heels and hit the town. Sure, I would have eaten an appetizer and drank a glass instead of a bottle of wine, but I would have been able to celebrate, right?

Sounds like my hubby is a few steps behind me in this adjustment. He brought up again today that he always thought I was beautiful and that I did not need to loose weight for him. To which I kindly replied, as I always do, thank you - you have no idea how much that means to me. BUT IT DOES NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL - I want to be the funny girl or the smart girl - not the heavy girl in the red dress. Thank you husband for not caring - but I still do.

I knew these issues would come - I am prepared for them. He's too much of a keeper not to get him back on board. He'll see..... ;)

Back to NYU?

Ok - I am so tight that drinking takes time. Eating is so incredibly slow and frustrating that I don't even want to. Am I too tight or am I just finally figuring out the point of this whole thing?

Not to be gross, but I just experienced my first PB, which is no where near as gross as vomiting, but it is really not that pleasurable either. The relief, however, was instantaneous. I thought things were "stuck" before, but I had no idea what I was talking about. Now I know what stuck is and I also know that stuck is in pretty excrutiating. No repeats needed here.

I know that people say you are too tight when you can't get liquid down. I can get liquid down - it just takes awhile. A 10 oz protein shake took me 40 minutes last night. So am I too tight??

Let me take you to lunch....

New pic...starting to feel like a new me. Went to the doctor on Thursday and he asked if I was hungry and I told him that my stomach was growling so he said, "let me take you to lunch" and gave me my third fill. I am now at 6ccs and I am really tight. Protein shakes take time. Drinking really is sipping. I am gurgling a little and I can't imagine going back to normal food. I am truly banded. AND I am just about to celebrate 30 lbs lost... and I am SOOOOO happy.

I am starting to realize how long I lived my life without hope of ever getting my weight under control. It's been 2 decades that I didn't like how I looked about probably about 6 years that I have felt helpless and hopeless. With each pound, I feel the burden being lifted. I don't have to be a fat girl. I am in control of my future and what I look like. It feels really good. Cheers to us - we who have stolen back the control and see a bright light ahead.

Don't do it Molly....don't do it.

Don't get frustrated....don't give up. Hang on - keep going. Stay on track.

These are my daily mantras this week - like them? I am trying to ignore the scale and stay the course. Or maybe I am trying to stay the course in spite of the scale?

The past 10 days have not been the easiest. I am losing restriction daily and I am working out pretty consistently. Those two things combine to make me hungry. As a result, the scale is not really moving.

What does this mean? Another trip back to New York City.... Thursday.

Shot down and denied...

Went to the doc today for a checkup - expecting to get back that cc that I had reversed 10 days ago. But no...he thinks I am in a nice place for now. Lost 3 lbs in the last 10 days - have restriction - don't get hungry quickly. I guess I am in the green.

Funny thing is...I feel like a junkie - bummed that I didn't get my fix on. Went to see the dealer and he wouldn't give me any....

But seriously, it's a great thing - it's great to be here, in a nice pattern only 7 weeks after my surgery. Doc says it won't last - but that I should enjoy it while it does. So enjoy it I will ;)

No way....

So...I like most heavy people, I dramatically underestimated what I was eating. On my permanent diets, I would always find myself saying "I ate so well today" but if I had ever sat down and actually wrote down what I had eaten, I would have seen that my mind and reality were always a little askew. My mind said 1500 calories, reality was 2200 calories.

The band has flipped this for me. Last week, a friend of mine who is a nutritionist asked me how many calories per day I was consuming. I told her that I was sure it was around 1500 calories per day - but that I had not written it down in about 2 weeks. She asked if I would track for a day or two and show her what I was eating....

End of first day, typed everything into mylapbandjourney's fitday tracker and this is what I got: Calories 1,097 Fat 38.4 Carbohydrates 99.7 Protein 74.4
Not 1500 calories...not really even close. Day two - do the same thing - and this is what I get: Calories 996 Fat 35 Carbohydrates 87.5 Protein 82.4

So...I am still deluded about how much I eat, just the other way. Which I guess is a cool thing for a fat girl to realize. But on the other hand, I also need to accept that I am feeding my body now - not my boredom, not my stress, not my emotions. Straight up, I don't have alot of room to mess around - and I need to get the most bang for my buck ;)

I have another fill appointment on Monday - don't know if I need one or not. Keep you all posted.

Back to the grind...

I have not confessed yet on this blog that I used to have somewhat of a workout obsession. It kind of fits my personality... the all or nothing thing. I used to go to the gym for 2 hours per day, every day of the week. Of course, I lost no weight doing it but I was kind of addicted.

Yesterday, I sent my kids back to school and with that, I returned to the G-Y-M.....

It felt good. I had no pain. And let me just say, weighing 24 lbs less than the last time I mounted that treadmill sure does feel amazing....

I am secretly worried that I will stall my weight loss. But I fight with myself and tell myself not to worry about it. That I need to be fit and healthy - and TONE and that even if I stall for a little while, it will all be worth it in the end.

Have I mentioned lately that I love my band?

Bummer

I broke up with Sushi tonight. After a long and passionate love affair, we came to a painful end. My band does not like seaweed. It was the most painful meal I have had to date - I tried to take the roll apart but then was crazy embarassed at the waste land of rice and seaweed left behind. Oh well.... I can give up sushi if you promise me a size 12.

Sweet spot?

I am 3 days into my 5cc life and I am, as usual, contemplating everything ;) Eating is really a chore. I wonder if the band works when we just give up trying to eat? Here's my day yesterday.... 8am, one cup of coffee (been mixing in protein powder) 12:30pm, 1/2 of a 3 egg omelette with cheese and tomatoes. 5:00pm, drank a 6 oz protein shake with water. 7:00pm, 3 ounces of chicken, 1/8 cup brown rice, two spears of broccoli and one slice of tomato (this took me one hour to eat). And the crazy thing is that I am not hungry in between - in fact, I feel that way you feel when you are so full that the idea of eating digusts you. And the reality is, chewing things to liquid gets boring and since I have no option, I really only eat because I have to. Could this be my sweet spot? I guess only the scale can tell. Today I weigh 262 lbs... down from my 286 lb start 6 weeks ago on surgery day. I am so scared to fail. I need this to work. This is my last hope.

OMG....

Ok - so those waiting to be banded, and those newly banded don't really have a clue what they are in store for....

Went today to get another fill... mostly went in to the city to see my friend, but she was getting a fill, so I got one too. Holy cow.

I have 4ccs in my band. Today, they added 2. I could not swallow water. They backed out .5 and then they backed out another .5. We think we have restriction in the beginning...we don't. We have disinterest in food. Or we have excitement about being banded. We are dieting and calling it the band. We are cutting portions and attributing it to the surgery.

Today, I feel banded. If I sip too much water, I gurgle. I feel pressure - FROM WATER ALONE. Oh man....

Suffering = Success?

I am about 10 days from my first fill and my weight loss is moving right along. I don't feel like I am working as hard as before the fill and I can truly eat two meals a day and be good. But...I have this nasty mouth issue that I have now confirmed to be something called ketosis. Sounds scary but apparently it happens when you do not eat carbohydrates and your body is forced to burn fat for energy, rather than sugars. Sounds great huh?

Not so much. This might be TMI...or pretty gross, but here I go. My tongue is raw and sensitive and often coated with a white film. My mouth tastes like I have been sucking on pennies. Part of me is like ARGHGHGHGHGH and the other part of me is like YEAH - suffering = success.

But does suffering equal success? Or is this another hangup I have to get over as I quit my role as the chronic dieter and move toward weight loss success? And how many other things would I put up with in order to drop a size or two or three or ten?

Hey Molly, Where Were You?

I am the kind of person where a little competition goes a long way. I am also the kind of person where I do better when someone holds me accountable. In theory, the weekly Weight Watchers weigh in was supposed to do that - hold me accountable in front of a stranger. But I always had the same pattern: sign up, work hard, lose weight for a couple of weeks, get bored with counting points, gain weight, stop going. No one from Weight Watchers ever called me and said "Hey Molly, where were you last week?" My two daily observations about the band:

1. I have to go to the doctor. I have to go and get weighed and talk to the nutritionist and get my fills. Talk about being held accountable.

2. The band is supposed to work. It is supposed to set my limits. Whether I step on a scale or sign up for some program, the band is always supposed to be working.

At my nutritionist appointment this week, she basically implied that IF I am making decently healthy food choices and NOT losing weight, then the band needs adjustment. And I realized, yet again, that I have a permanent partner in this journey. My friend the band is partially responsible - that we are supposed to work together to achieve my goals. So, instead of KNOWING that no one will call and say, "What's up girl? You didn't show up." - I actually have to accept that I have an entity that says "Even if you don't show up, I am going to set some limits." It feels really good - and different.

Installed AND Turned On

Had my first fill today. Like the nutritionist said, the band was installed 24 days ago, but it hasn't been turned on until today. This means that the 18 pounds I have lost to date are diet related - and not band related. AND, the 5 pounds I have lost in the last 16 days are due to my diligence and hard work (and a little placebo effect).

Saw my surgeon, who of course remembered my husband (everyone does). The fill was pain free. He gave me 4ccs. I could feel the tubing move instead of me. I am a confirmed cyborg according to my son. I was afraid to drink the water, but I did and it took longer than normal to go down, but it did. I was given the warnings again about eating slow and chewing thoroughly.

And now...back to liquid for two days... and then, on to the rest of my life. I can do this. I know I can.

For some feedback on my general question of physiology....
Dr. Fielding confirmed that portion size is established by pouch size. It does not get smaller - but can be stretched by bad habits. He also confirmed that band tightness EXTENDS SATIETY (aka, the longer a person can go without feeling hungry between meals). Band tightness, in 99% of all cases, does not cause a productive burp (PB). Poor eating habits cause PBs, according to Dr. Fielding, and most people are unwilling to admit it and thus attribute it to band tightness. This makes me reflect on a lot of the things I see posted or bantered about. PBs are not a sign of the sweet spot. PBs are not a sign of success. They are undeniably a reminder that we are forgetting the rules. WEIGHT LOSS is a sign of the sweet spot - and a sign of playing by the rules.

Group Think

Sometimes we can get information overload. And sometimes, the information is not correct. Just having a band implanted into our abdomen does not a medical prophet make.

I am coming up on my first fill on Thursday. I purposefully made this appointment with my surgeon as I need him to explain some things to me. (He has the band too.) Here's my list:

- What are the physiologic implications of the band - REALLY. I mean, I read the chat boards and we are all lead to believe that restriction relates to a restriction in WHAT we eat. But being the medically obsessed person that I am, isn't the restriction really in HOW MUCH we can eat? And doesn't a fill just PROLONG the amount of time that it takes the food to leave the newly created pouch (thereby creating an extended duration of time in which we feel full)?

- Are PBs a sign of something going right or something going wrong? We fat people think nothing good will come of something that doesn't have torture attached to it. And again, I read the chat boards and I see people talking about how they can't keep anything down and it comes right back up. But this is NOT the goal, correct? The sweet spot is not related in ANY WAY to the number of times per day that a person PBs... gross.

- And why is it that people tend to gain a little weight after their surgery before their first fill? I am consuming a well-regulated 1000 calories per day now. Sure, without the fill I am in effect dieting - starving between meals. In theory, the fill will get rid of this feeling of emptiness. But why, why why am I not losing weight if I am still not eating more than 1000 calories? And how how how will a fill fix this?

Got any others I should ask of a banded expert?

Whey Cool

My husband came home yesterday with a bag of unflavored whey protein. I used to like jewelry and coach bags....but I have to say, this was an excellent gift. First of all, unflavored protein changes my entire banded existence. Foods low in protein can become - POOF - high protein selections with the wave of a scoop. 25 grams of protein in one lovely serving... love it.

But secondly, he gets it. He totally does. He gets that I want this so much and he has tricks up his sleeve...whey whey cool.

This day's a wash....or is it?

I cannot possibly be the only fat girl in the world who has done the following:

Wake up. Resolve to eat healthily this day. Eat a good breakfast. Say okay when your friend invites you out to lunch. Eat 4 pieces of pizza. Feel stuffed. Gross. Overfilled. And say to yourself....I BLEW THIS DAY. I will eat crap for the rest of the day and then start over tomorrow. (This is my secret for achieving the lovely weight I have now.)

Today's revelation - I eat practically NOTHING and I feel stuffed. My brain says "YOU BLEW IT GIRL", but then I catch myself. NO I DID NOT. I have a band. The band makes me feel full. I did not blow it. The day is not a wash. We are still on track. I am not a loser!!

I like my band. Too bad it didn't come with a lobotomy.

Patience....

I have no patience. I know this about myself. It is the reason that most of my previous weight loss attempts failed. I am an all or nothing girl. I can do weight watchers and take two aerobics classes back to back everyday until I step on the scale and it hasn't moved. Then I go get ice cream and eat everything off the Chili's menu. And throw away all the work I put in.

A couple of observations made yesterday:

1. I will NEVER again be able to throw in the towel with the same gusto as before (band says NO to the entire Chili's menu) - so why bother giving up? Just stay the course.

2. I need to stop weighing myself twice a day. I have resolved to only weigh myself on Friday mornings. This in and of itself will create the need to be patient.

3. I have NEVER EVER EVER lost one pound per week GUARANTEED for one full year. NEVER. So even moving slowly with the band, will create an amazing opportunity for myself. That would be 52 lbs down in one year. Seriously, I would never be able to do that without my new friend.

4. Long time banded people are relatively normal human beings, eating relatively normal things. When I went to see my surgeon the first time he said, do you know why skinny girls are skinny? Because they stop eating. Fat girls keep eating. The experienced bandsters I see online seem to have been able to adopt this skinny girl mentality.

How's that? Come on - let's toast my discoveries with our protein shakes held high. ;)

Food....

Just when I thought I couldn't drink another thing, my 10th day post-op arrives and with it, clearance to eat soft and mushy food. If you would have told me that I would be afraid of food at this point, I would have LAUGHED and I mean LAUGHED in your face. But I am. I am afraid to do something wrong. I am afraid to put an end to this awesome daily weight loss I have experienced since I went liquid.

I ate egg salad. And I had a tablespoon of refried beans. The ground did not shake - the earth did not move. I did not hurt. I did not get sick. I also did not lose weight today.

Before I got the band, everyone always said "Remember, it's a tool." And then you talk to people at their goal weight and they are like, "It's awesome, I don't have to do anything." Well, people, I am not at the I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING stage - I am at the obsess, freak out and worry phase. Yesterday, I spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to consume enough protein to keep my muscle and oh, some hair - all while not consuming more than 50 grams of fat. Try it - it ain't easy.

But today is a new day. A new day to get it right - to learn more - to take care of myself. Lap-band.com's quote of the day is very appropriate for my mindset, here it is:

Patience and the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

It is Real

I saw it. I saw it inside of me. I saw the port and the tubing snaking up through my abdomen and cinching my stomach. It's real.

I had my first esophagram today. Drank barium while they took pictures. It took 65 seconds max. But what it produced was incontrovertible evidence of the fact that I am indeed "banded." If all goes well, I will live the rest of my life with this device wrapped around the bottom of my esophagus, reminding me that no one really needs to eat a full pound of pasta. And you know what, I feel better about this than I did last week. It's good. The band accepts me and I accept the band.

Am I?

"I'm starving," says my husband as he walks past me out of our room and downstairs. And I think, "Me too." And then I think, am I? I have no idea. I mean, I don't feel hungry I guess. Then I wonder, how long have I followed him to the table? How many times have I eaten because he was starving? It's actually kind of pathetic... let's do some rough math. I have been with him for 15.5 years. Let's say I eat 3 times per week (conservatively speaking) that I was not hungry, but he was. Let's say I consumed an unneeded 400 calories every time I did this. That's 967,200 calories over 15 years....

Before I went in for surgery the other day, he said "I did this to you." He's crazy. He did not do this to me. I did this to me. He just made it okay for me to do. He made it easy for me to do.

So, now my band will make it hard for me to do. So this means that my husband and my band need to learn to work together... or to at least like each other ;)

Keeping My Friends

4 days post-op... ventured over to our neighbor's house. I must admit that I am a little reluctant... not because I don't love them (they are awesome) but because we eat and drink together. Upon arrival see that another couple, also mutual friends, are already there. Quick panic moment - how am I going to handle this??? They all know of course that I have had the surgery - and they are people I love and enjoy being with. So why am I freaking out?

I sat with my bottle of diet snapple - not a chip in my mouth, not a piece of pizza, not a glass of wine. Turns out they are still hysterical and still just as lovely, even when I am not medicating myself with food. Turns out that the lap band doesn't make you change friends (unless of course that friend's name is FOOD).

I've Been Banded...

It's official. Monday July 26. I know, I know...it is now days later but honestly, I didn't feel like sitting at a computer. Now...I feel better.

Reported to NYU on Monday at 7am. My husband I and were escorted back by a nurse around 8:30am. There, we met with nurses who repeated questioned us on our allergies and medications. We were weighed. We met with the anethesiologist (a lovely man). I got dressed in my gown, slippers and hair covering and off we went.

I was in shock of my lack of nervousness. I walked about my from husband and down the long hallway with the nurse. Into the operation room. I sat down on the table and was asked to lie back and put my arms out at each side. An IV was started (which didn't hurt at all), conversation was funny and light. They discussed my tan lines and my tea burn and made me giggle. The anethesiologist asked me to take a couple of deep breaths on the mask, that that was it. I woke a short while later in the NYU PACU - the only pain I had was a sharp gas pain in my shoulder. The nurse was lovely and funny and soon my husband was allowed back to sit with me.

About an hour later I was given my room and up we went. The hospital was lovely and the staff were amazing. I spent the next several hours walking and drinking and trying to urinate so I could be granted my release papers ;)

At 6pm, Dr. Fielding came to see me and discharged me. Really, it was a very smooth experience - who would have known how life changing it really was?? (Dr. Fielding does...)

And now I am home - feeling much better than yesterday. Off my pain meds - drinking thin liquids - like coffee, protein shakes, vitamin water. I have moments that give me pause as I consider that I know have a life long foreign object in my body... but this band will become my friend... the thing that reminds me how much I want this and how much I am willing to do to be happy.

It's on...

Called NYU tonight as was instructed and have been given my arrival time of 7am. I am at once grateful for the early cattle call, but also cognizant of the fact that I have a long drive into the city, early in the morning. I am excited and not yet nervous...I know that will come. Having had surgery before, I know how nerve wracking that time where you are being prepped can be - I also know how fast it goes and how quickly I will be up and out of there and back in my own house. Here's to new beginnings...taking my measurements tonight. Cheers!

The Breakup

You know that feeling when you break up with someone...how you know it's done but then you spend a day or two focusing on the good stuff and have moments when you want to go back. That's where I am mentally with my relationship with food - that's where I am at day 11 of my 14 day liquid diet leading to surgery on Monday. I feel like I know the obsession is over - the negative relationship I have had with food my whole life. We've been separated now for 11 days and although I find myself reminiscing about its pleasures, I know deep down inside of me that it is over.

Dramatic Tuesday

Really...could I get a little more dramatic? Doctor said I am fine for surgery. I am now officially a mope. I havge 5 days left and I am not sure I can gulp another protein shake, sip another cup of broth or spoon another glob of jello into my mouth. This liquid diet is designed to break us.... I am on to their game.

Do you always sound like that?

I went to NYU yesterday at noon to do my pre-operative testing. A nurse went through what I should expect next Monday morning and she took blood and did an EKG. My blood pressure was slightly elevated at 125/84.

The problems start when I walk in to see the anethesiologist and her first question is "Do you always sound like that?" What does that mean? Nasal? Well - I had a sinus infection 3 weeks ago and I am still coughing. Well, perhaps we should reschedule the surgery then.....surely she's joking....oh come on. No......

She agrees to keep my current surgery schedule for Monday but asks that I call on Friday to confirm that I am feeling 100%. Do I ever feel 100%? Can I even answer that question???
Probably not - and, as such, I am headed to my primary doctor this morning to allow him to assess my health and thus my surgery preparedness... God help me.

Why "lead singer"?

A couple of months ago on Facebook (my favorite hiding place), several friends from high school were reminscing about things we used to do. I felt they were insinuating that I was the bad girl and when I protested, one of them responded by saying, "COME ON! You were always the lead singer - the life of the party - the focus of attention." This stopped me in my tracks.... how had 20 years changed me so much? At the same time this discussion was going on, I realized that I skipped my 20th high school reunion and rsvped no to a life-long friend's baby shower. I had really wanted to attend those two events - so why didn't I?

I realized that I was hiding - hiding out and letting life pass me by. And all because I am FAT. FAT. There it is... the ex-lead singer is too fat to go out in public - to have normal relationships - to feel comfortable enough to be gazed upon. I have said it....

Now - I am doing something about it.