Gain??????

In my efforts to own it, this is the first week in 8 months that I have gained weight... I weigh 200.6 lbs.  Yes, I have my period.  But come on now.....I want to be in onederland so badly.... so frustrated.

Positive note of the day:  I ran 3.13 miles in 35 minutes.  This is the 5k distance goal I had.  Now I have to be able to do it outside...but it's still too cold.  Maybe next week...

Negative note of the day:  I don't think I am eating enough.  Burned 565 calories at the gym.  Tracked all my intake and ate 732 calories.  That cannot be good.  I think I need an unfill... or maybe a protein shake right now....

Weird observation of the day:  A woman came up to me at the gym and she told me that I was shrinking in front of her eyes and that she was working so hard at Weight Watchers and had only lost 2 lbs in 3 weeks and she wanted to know what I was doing.  There was a piece of me that wanted to say "I only eat protein, no carbs and I work out every day" but then I felt bad.  Why should I make this woman feel like she would ever have the success I have had doing a traditional diet?  I sure as hell never did.  Thousands and thousands of my dollars went to Weight Watchers over the years, and I never ever lost and kept off anything.  So I had to tell her... it's my usual... "I have had a little help in the form of a lap band."  Oh really?  So what do you eat?  So I gave her my original line, "Protein, no carbs and lots of exercise."  She had no idea what a lap band was, but hey, at least I was honest ;)  I then contemplated this discussion while I ran.  I mean, what is a lap band other than a reminder?  It's a full time reminder that I shouldn't keep eating and I shouldn't eat crap.  My reminder doesn't go away.  It doesn't take time off.  It's like the will power I never had, 24/7.  But reminder or no reminder, we have to do the work.  And I need to remember this and give myself credit.  So should you ;)

42 inches.....

Check it out... looking for the bright side....

8 Months...

Eight months ago I got my band.  I will preface what follows with a disclaimer:  I have my period.  I feel bitchy.  I wanted to be in Onederland by today.

On the bright side, I looked like this eight months ago this morning:

I feel like may be I am too tight.  Eating is a tedious chore and I have found myself opting to NOT eat just to avoid the hassle.  My fill nurse always tells me to watch the inclination to stay liquid and I have to fight it every day.  My band gets so tight when I have my period that I struggle to even drink coffee or tea.  I read the discussion boards about people who lose 100 lbs and never get a fill and I wonder if I am needlessly torturing myself.  I go back in two weeks and I wonder if it wouldn't be smart to have them pull a half cc from the band just to see how I feel.  Should I pay attention to the fact that some people lose without fills?  Or with just one fill?  Should I be concerned that the majority of my weight loss to date comes post-fill?  Will I ever get to goal???

As you can see, I am having a bad day.  It happens.  I hate hormones.  I hate the fact that the more weight I lose, the shorter my cycle.  I am now down to a 22 day menstrual cycle - do the math, that means I have had my period twice in March.  It sucks.  And onederland is .1 lbs away... just outside my grasp.

Insurance...again

After my previous post about positive news from my health insurance, here comes a doozy from my life insurance.  I took out a 10 year term policy when my first child was born.  He's ten.  The policy is up.  I need to get a new one but it turns out that the underwriters hear GASTRIC and only think bypass.  They freak out - and act as if I were the biggest risk they could possibly have.  I mean really, didn't I just drastically extend my shelf life??  I did not have any comorbities pre-op, so I am pretty sure that I don't now have any either.  Insurance companies need to catch up to what is going on in obesity today.  The gastric band is not a gastric bypass.  Not in any way other than we all hopefully lose weight.  Frustrating to say the least.  My agent is recommending that I wait until my one year band anniversary to renew the policy and thus lower my rate by 40% - forty percent...can you believe it????

Panni...whatever

For those of you interested, I still am not in onederland...I weigh 200.2 lbs today and have cramps and am generally annoyed. I have put my scale away because weighing yourself during your period is masochistic. I might miss 199, but 198 or 197 will feel just as good I'm sure.

On to a more exciting topic.... my health insurance confirmed today that they will pay for 70% of a panniculectomy. If you're a bariatric patient, I am sure you know what this is - for those of you who don't, it is the removal of that skin that hangs down over your pubus once you have lost a lot of weight.   
 
I am pretty darn happy about this because I really really hate this part of my body.  I can live with anything else, but I cannot live with this pouch of loose hanging skin.  I had two c-sections and weighed 313 pounds the day my 12 pound daughter was born.  I am so stretched out and surgically altered down there, I just need a reset (aka, fresh start in the tummy area).  They want you at a stable weight for 6 months and to be at least one year post-op.  This is even more of an incentive for me to lose my remaining 40 pounds by July 27th, which was always my goal.  That would be 126 pounds in one year.  And it would set me on course for this tummy reset for Christmas - what a delightful present that would be!

A watched pot....gets its period.

ARGHGHGHG....I weight 200.00 pounds this morning.  I weighed 200.4 yesterday and 200.8 the day before.  COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNN.  And now, I am pre-menstrual.  Got all the signs.  Boobs hurt.  Can't eat anything because I am so tight.  DARN IT.  Sunday is my goal date for Onederland and here I stand with a freaking pot that won't boil!!!!

The Wonder of Soy Paper

I am a sushi girl.  My husband taught me to love and love it I do.  But sushi and I have not been friends since about 4ccs.  Last night, I went, even though I was so anxious about taking the rolls apart and looking like a fool.  And I did something my husband hates, I asked the waitress what could be done for a person who simply could not eat the seaweed - and she was like "SOY PAPER!"  What??  Soy paper?  Okay then, give me a roll with soy paper and cut them in smaller portions.  Ok.

What followed was heaven...little sushi pieces, wrapped in something that melted away in my mouth.  HEAVEN.  I highly recommend if you are a struggling sushi lover.

How?

I have decided to write a book.  It's about time.  So I bought Khaliah Ali's book that she wrote with my surgeon.  I figured if I am going to write a book about this experience, I should read what else is out there.  In the intro, she talks about Dr. Fielding, the same surgeon I see, and she asks, "How do you thank someone who gave you your life back?"  I cried.  How do you do that?

I remember the day I went to New York University Hospital the first time to attend an informaiton session, it was about one year ago.  I was still on the fence.... and this attractive, smart, laid back Aussie got up on the stage (there were about 400 people there) and told my story.  My story, your story, all of our stories of trying and failing and self-hating.  He talked about the statistics and the likelihood of any of us losing the weight and keeping it off.  He talked about bodies failing after years of carrying around so much excess weight.  And, sometime during his speech, he made me a promise.  He told me that if I committed, he would change the course of my life.  And that change began that night....

I am not done, I am not at the goal that Allergan and Dr. Fielding set for me.  I still have 40 pounds to go.  But I have to confess that I am at the precipice of my own personal goal.... to weigh less than 200lbs.  I made a commitment that night, inspite of what other people said, inspite of what other people thought, inspite of the stress it would put on my relationships and inspite of the radical change it would have on my outlook and my state of mind.  I don't regret a single moment of this journey.  And I do not know how to thank someone who gave me my life back - other than living my life to the fullest (and maybe writing a book about it).

The Mystery of the Bump

I call a fill a bump.  And there is good reason behind this...it's a bump, a push, a shove. And I feel this way because of what happens to my weight after a fill.  I want to know if other people experience this too.

Thursday, March 10:  I weighed 207 lbs - got a .15 fill
Saturday, March 12:  206.6
Monday, March 14:  204.2
Tuesday, March 15:  203.6
Wednesday, March 16:  202 - That's 5 lbs in one week.  Now, it will slow to 1-2 lbs per week.

Wednesday, January 25:  221.4 lbs - got a .15 fill
Friday, January 27:  218.2 lbs
Tuesday, February 1:  216 lbs (That's 5.4 lbs in one week from fill.)
Friday, February 4:  213 lbs
Friday, Feb 25:  211 lbs
Friday, March 4:  208.8 lbs

I have this rhythm and I wonder if it is what other people experience?  Bump, then fast drop, then stabilized...?  (And yes, I weigh myself every day except when I have my period - I know, not good.)

You know what they say....

Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I saw someone I haven't seen in a while at the gym today and she was like HOLY CRAP you have lost a ton of weight - and so FAST!!!  And I smiled and proceeded to think about it for a while.  I have lost a lot of weight.  But has it been that fast?  I don't think that fast is really what has happened here.  I have lost about 10-12 pounds per month.  Almost anyone who really tried could probably lose 10-12 pounds in a month.  The thing this has been is CONSISTENT.  While perhaps a person could lose 10-12 pounds in 30 days, could they do it every 30 days for 8 months?  Hell no.  That's where the gift of the band comes in...  Slow and steady (aka consistent) will win this race.

Will Power

Talking with a fellow bandster yesterday, I told her that I didn't feel like I had any willpower.  I felt like the band had the power.  That I didn't have to choose to eat well, that the band limited me naturally. But today, I have thought more about it and I am not quite sure I gave myself enough credit.  Example.... I have dinner plans in NYC tomorrow night with friends and then a dinner at a chef's home on Saturday with friends.  I went to the doctor today.  I could have cancelled or skipped my fill just because of these two food related events, but instead, I took the bump and subsequently passed on any of the food that we be served at these two events (since I am now liquid for 2 days).  I had to choose.  And I chose me and my weight loss.  I showed some will power - and some committment to my goal.  And now, I will give myself some credit for it.

I will also take credit for dragging myself to the gym 6 days a week.  And maybe some credit for always eating protein before anything else.  I guess I might also deserve some credit for saying no to a cookie when I knew it would mean not being able to eat dinner with my family.  There... ;)

CAN I GET A WHOOOO HOOOO!

Eighty....80....eight zero....80 FREAKING POUNDS GONE from my body forever.  I had my surgery 227 days ago - or seven months and 12 days ago.  That's an average of 2.31 pounds per week or, get this, 0.35 pounds per day.  WHEN WOULD THAT EVER HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE BEFORE?!?!?!?  I love my band.  I love my decision.  I love where I am and where I am headed. 

Got a little 0.15 cc bump today....looking straight down the 6 pound barrel to ONEDERLAND.... bring it on.  I am ready.  I am more than ready.  To meet my goal, I have to weight 199 pounds by March 27.  That is 17 days from now...can I lose 7 pounds in 17 days?  Thanks to my bump today, I HOPE SO. 

Who's portion is that portion size?

Ok, I have resolved to track for 3 days starting tomorrow.  My weight loss has been slow for the last 3 weeks and I feel like I need to figure out what is up.  Have a doc appt on Thursday so I thought I would track this week and go see the nutritionist when I am there.

The thing is...I almost never eat as much as I plan to eat.  I definitely could not eat a whole lean cuisine or smart ones meal.  So then I need to try to figure out what part of a serving I actually consumed.  Was that 3/4 or 2/3?  AND, when something comes back up, how exactly does one calculate for that?  I bought a whole bunch of new protein things...tofu, beans, different stuff to try this week.  I thought Weight Watchers was time consuming....I can't wait for the next 3 days.  .66 of a serving of this, .2345667 of a serving of that.  4 navy beans, 16 peas, you get my point?  What fun.  Can you tell I am a little hostile?

Shedding the weight...

I'm scared.... practically every piece of clothing I own is outside in my garage.  And I am following my therapist's orders and putting out even the things that fit me last month.  And that, my friends, feels crazy.  For a life time yo-yo dieter, why would you get rid of the next size up?  You keep that right?  But my doc says NO - you get rid of it.  You accept where you are and where you are going.  You don't build safety nets.  You charge forward and embrace your future. 

After tomorrow, the only piece of plus sized clothing I will own is a dress jacket, size 14, that I want to keep until I see some sun and feel some warmth.  I am totally freaking out....

Does it get harder?

Tell me....does it get harder?  As you get closer to goal?  Does that rate at which you lose weight change?  I mean really.  I could probably work out harder, ok, not harder - but longer.  I could not possibly eat less.  I could eat more... or different things.  But I don't want to....I don't want to start down that same old path of obsessing and worrying and calculating and journaling and measuring and... blbbhd;hasdfjaksdjf;laksjdf;.  You know?  I don't want to.  I am being a baby.  But for an obsessed control freak, these last 7 months have been heavenly.... workout, eat a little, lose weight.  This month has sucked and I want onederland so badly I can taste it.  March 26th was my original goal for onederland...can it possibly be done at this point?

It's On!

My shrink will be so pleased.... I, on the other hand, am slightly nervous....  all of my stuff is leaving on Sunday.  All of my years and years of clothes.... I told the shrink I didn't care, but I think I unknowingly lied.  I am scared.