Overeating....

I have said this before on my blog - I was a really good dieter. I would diet and work out and lose 20 lbs and then hit a plateau and quit. Back on came the 20, plus 5 for punishment. I have lived the last 20 years of my life like that, in these yo-yo cycles. I have been "good" now for 65 days. That's a record. Last night, we went out to eat with the kids and I ordered chicken parm with no pasta. I ate the little salad that came first. I ate about 3 ounces of the chicken. I was full. I was done. But I wanted to eat more - I didn't need more. But I wanted to eat more. But guess what? I couldn't. I physically could not do it. Can I get a THANK YOU BAND??? As I settle in to this commitment I made, I have these daily realizations about how unhealthy I lived my life before. I would have eaten the 1000 calorie dinner placed in front of me - without even giving it a second thought. This decision is out of my control right now though, and that feels pretty good. I read posts by the pre- or newly-banded about how they afraid that they won't be able to eat the things they love anymore - and the reality is that it becomes a non-issue and I am seeing that now. Someone online referred to her new stomach as expensive real estate - and that is really what it is. I have very little room to be messing around. And not messing around is going to get me to my goal...

ONE POUND UNTIL 30 LBS LOST!!! COME ON BABY!!!

Goosebumps.....

When my husband handed me my plate last night to carry to the dinner table, I actually got goosebumps.... goosebumps people. And not from excitement - but rather from apprehension. Was I going to be able to eat the chicken? The string beans? So funny.... to go from someone who often ate so much that she would perspire, to someone who is so hesitant to eat... therein lies the beauty of the band. I admit that this is probably not a perfect situation - and I acknowledge that I am in a process of self-discovery and adjustment, but seriously, I am not going to eat garbage - it just is not worth it.

Eating to Celebrate

It has finally happened - the thing I feared would happen since the day I decided to be banded. My husband is freaking out. Yesterday was our 12 year wedding anniversary and we had planned to go to NYC on Saturday night. Instead, when I got home, I found a neighbor in our kitchen and my husband cooking. My kids and the neighbor's kids were downstairs playing. And I was confused - weren't we going out to dinner? Obviously my husband had other plans.

So the next morning, on our actual anniversary, I ask "What was that about last night? Weren't we going to go to dinner in the city?" And his response was "What for? You can't even enjoy it." Surely, he's kidding. But no, he feels like this. He is starting to realize how much I have changed my eating habits and he is freaking out. Human beings eat to celebrate. If I can't eat, then why celebrate right? WRONG. Men suck sometimes. I still would have liked to put on a dress (that fits me better) and slapped on some high heels and hit the town. Sure, I would have eaten an appetizer and drank a glass instead of a bottle of wine, but I would have been able to celebrate, right?

Sounds like my hubby is a few steps behind me in this adjustment. He brought up again today that he always thought I was beautiful and that I did not need to loose weight for him. To which I kindly replied, as I always do, thank you - you have no idea how much that means to me. BUT IT DOES NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL - I want to be the funny girl or the smart girl - not the heavy girl in the red dress. Thank you husband for not caring - but I still do.

I knew these issues would come - I am prepared for them. He's too much of a keeper not to get him back on board. He'll see..... ;)

Back to NYU?

Ok - I am so tight that drinking takes time. Eating is so incredibly slow and frustrating that I don't even want to. Am I too tight or am I just finally figuring out the point of this whole thing?

Not to be gross, but I just experienced my first PB, which is no where near as gross as vomiting, but it is really not that pleasurable either. The relief, however, was instantaneous. I thought things were "stuck" before, but I had no idea what I was talking about. Now I know what stuck is and I also know that stuck is in pretty excrutiating. No repeats needed here.

I know that people say you are too tight when you can't get liquid down. I can get liquid down - it just takes awhile. A 10 oz protein shake took me 40 minutes last night. So am I too tight??

Let me take you to lunch....

New pic...starting to feel like a new me. Went to the doctor on Thursday and he asked if I was hungry and I told him that my stomach was growling so he said, "let me take you to lunch" and gave me my third fill. I am now at 6ccs and I am really tight. Protein shakes take time. Drinking really is sipping. I am gurgling a little and I can't imagine going back to normal food. I am truly banded. AND I am just about to celebrate 30 lbs lost... and I am SOOOOO happy.

I am starting to realize how long I lived my life without hope of ever getting my weight under control. It's been 2 decades that I didn't like how I looked about probably about 6 years that I have felt helpless and hopeless. With each pound, I feel the burden being lifted. I don't have to be a fat girl. I am in control of my future and what I look like. It feels really good. Cheers to us - we who have stolen back the control and see a bright light ahead.

Don't do it Molly....don't do it.

Don't get frustrated....don't give up. Hang on - keep going. Stay on track.

These are my daily mantras this week - like them? I am trying to ignore the scale and stay the course. Or maybe I am trying to stay the course in spite of the scale?

The past 10 days have not been the easiest. I am losing restriction daily and I am working out pretty consistently. Those two things combine to make me hungry. As a result, the scale is not really moving.

What does this mean? Another trip back to New York City.... Thursday.

Shot down and denied...

Went to the doc today for a checkup - expecting to get back that cc that I had reversed 10 days ago. But no...he thinks I am in a nice place for now. Lost 3 lbs in the last 10 days - have restriction - don't get hungry quickly. I guess I am in the green.

Funny thing is...I feel like a junkie - bummed that I didn't get my fix on. Went to see the dealer and he wouldn't give me any....

But seriously, it's a great thing - it's great to be here, in a nice pattern only 7 weeks after my surgery. Doc says it won't last - but that I should enjoy it while it does. So enjoy it I will ;)

No way....

So...I like most heavy people, I dramatically underestimated what I was eating. On my permanent diets, I would always find myself saying "I ate so well today" but if I had ever sat down and actually wrote down what I had eaten, I would have seen that my mind and reality were always a little askew. My mind said 1500 calories, reality was 2200 calories.

The band has flipped this for me. Last week, a friend of mine who is a nutritionist asked me how many calories per day I was consuming. I told her that I was sure it was around 1500 calories per day - but that I had not written it down in about 2 weeks. She asked if I would track for a day or two and show her what I was eating....

End of first day, typed everything into mylapbandjourney's fitday tracker and this is what I got: Calories 1,097 Fat 38.4 Carbohydrates 99.7 Protein 74.4
Not 1500 calories...not really even close. Day two - do the same thing - and this is what I get: Calories 996 Fat 35 Carbohydrates 87.5 Protein 82.4

So...I am still deluded about how much I eat, just the other way. Which I guess is a cool thing for a fat girl to realize. But on the other hand, I also need to accept that I am feeding my body now - not my boredom, not my stress, not my emotions. Straight up, I don't have alot of room to mess around - and I need to get the most bang for my buck ;)

I have another fill appointment on Monday - don't know if I need one or not. Keep you all posted.

Back to the grind...

I have not confessed yet on this blog that I used to have somewhat of a workout obsession. It kind of fits my personality... the all or nothing thing. I used to go to the gym for 2 hours per day, every day of the week. Of course, I lost no weight doing it but I was kind of addicted.

Yesterday, I sent my kids back to school and with that, I returned to the G-Y-M.....

It felt good. I had no pain. And let me just say, weighing 24 lbs less than the last time I mounted that treadmill sure does feel amazing....

I am secretly worried that I will stall my weight loss. But I fight with myself and tell myself not to worry about it. That I need to be fit and healthy - and TONE and that even if I stall for a little while, it will all be worth it in the end.

Have I mentioned lately that I love my band?

Bummer

I broke up with Sushi tonight. After a long and passionate love affair, we came to a painful end. My band does not like seaweed. It was the most painful meal I have had to date - I tried to take the roll apart but then was crazy embarassed at the waste land of rice and seaweed left behind. Oh well.... I can give up sushi if you promise me a size 12.

Sweet spot?

I am 3 days into my 5cc life and I am, as usual, contemplating everything ;) Eating is really a chore. I wonder if the band works when we just give up trying to eat? Here's my day yesterday.... 8am, one cup of coffee (been mixing in protein powder) 12:30pm, 1/2 of a 3 egg omelette with cheese and tomatoes. 5:00pm, drank a 6 oz protein shake with water. 7:00pm, 3 ounces of chicken, 1/8 cup brown rice, two spears of broccoli and one slice of tomato (this took me one hour to eat). And the crazy thing is that I am not hungry in between - in fact, I feel that way you feel when you are so full that the idea of eating digusts you. And the reality is, chewing things to liquid gets boring and since I have no option, I really only eat because I have to. Could this be my sweet spot? I guess only the scale can tell. Today I weigh 262 lbs... down from my 286 lb start 6 weeks ago on surgery day. I am so scared to fail. I need this to work. This is my last hope.

OMG....

Ok - so those waiting to be banded, and those newly banded don't really have a clue what they are in store for....

Went today to get another fill... mostly went in to the city to see my friend, but she was getting a fill, so I got one too. Holy cow.

I have 4ccs in my band. Today, they added 2. I could not swallow water. They backed out .5 and then they backed out another .5. We think we have restriction in the beginning...we don't. We have disinterest in food. Or we have excitement about being banded. We are dieting and calling it the band. We are cutting portions and attributing it to the surgery.

Today, I feel banded. If I sip too much water, I gurgle. I feel pressure - FROM WATER ALONE. Oh man....