10 Months....

Today is my 10 month anniversary of being banded.  In some ways, it feels like yesterday.  But in most ways, it feels like it has always been like this.  Like I have always had my eating under control, that I always had success.  But that's not true and I have to remind myself that I have come so far in so little time.  My weight has always been something I hated about myself.  But today, it feels unimportant.  Maybe it is because big things are happening around me and this success seems dwarfed.  Maybe because in relation to the things that are really important in my life, this was not the biggest issue. I loved my children even when I was fat.  I loved my husband even at 286 pounds.  I simply did not love me.  And that lack of loving myself has gotten me bad things but also motivated me to achieve good things.  I feel like I am ready to be reborn.... what will tomorrow bring?

I'm here....

Been a rough week on the relationship and family front here, but I'm alive and kicking.  And in this stressful time, my band has kept me from eating my way through it.  In fact, I almost have the opposite problem - I don't eat!  It's crazy to have my loved ones around me saying, come on Molly, you have to eat.  A FAT GIRL NEVER HEARS THAT!

But I have dropped some weight (into the 170s!!!) so I know they are right.  I need to keep my hair and I need to eat protein.  My band closes up when I am upset so I am liquid and it is okay.  Maybe today will be better.

I am in between sizes this week - a 12 and a 10.  In fact, I bought a pair of Victoria's Secret shorts (they are so freaking cute) in size 12 and they have some room - and that's crazy to me because VS stuff is sized so small.  I don't even really recognize my body.  Yesterday I was sitting in a chair watching my daughter play softball and I looked down at my exposed legs and thought, are those really mine?  This is truly an out of body experience.

I have not gone to the gym since last Thursday which is major for me since I am religious about it.  But I am dressed and ready to go there now and get back on track.  We can't let other people's failings derail our missions or our successes.  It is strange how we are often handed amazingly wonderful things at the same time we are forced to deal with absolutely horrible things.  It's perhaps what keeps us breathing.

Denied....

No fill for me today.  But I guess that's good.  I lost 12.8 pounds last month so they are like, "If it ain't broke....".  But a couple of cool things....

One - I have surpassed by Allergan-established goal of 66% of your body weight lost.  That's pretty exciting.  They also said that that goal in particular is an 18 month goal - and I hit it in month 9. 

Two - all the nursing staff came to my appointment today.  It was like a little party.  They wanted to know all of my habits, what I eat, what I do.  They were doing research!!  It was a little overwhelming but it felt so good.  They were all in awe of how far how fast I have come.  The feedback was tremendous and I cannot tell you have much the support means.  My fill nurse said that they wanted to put a life-sized poster of me in the waiting room!  He was joking but hey!  I told him I just wanted to be on the wall of fame, and he was like, DONE DEAL!

It was a great appointment and I feel so good and I stare down these last 22 lbs!  Bring it!

Here filly filly....

Wednesday I am off to New York City - got a double header at the addiction therapist and then an appointment with my favorite fill nurse.  This time I need a hit.... a bump.  I'll be taking .10 thank you very much.  I have noticed that I can eat more in the last couple of days and I don't love that.  I like being tight.

Here's my lunch today.  4 pretzel thins, a dab of hummus, a piece of low fat brie, an ounce of chicken breast, 3 cherry tomatoes and a piece of liverwurst.  This is a lot of food for me.

I have been thinking a lot about a post recently by LAP BAND GAL, about the journey never really ending and the realization that even after we hit goal, we still have to watch what we eat.  Those of you who have seen my posts on LapBandTalk know that I subscribe to the NO DIETING rule.  And I think about these two options.... a looser band + will power OR a tighter band + less willpower.  I think these are the two success camps.  Both yield good results, but we need to pick one.  Do I want to be tight and have the band do the work?  Or am I willing and able to exert some will power and have a looser band (and a more enjoyable eating experience)?

Initially, I dieted.  We all did no?  Made it through bandster hell using my weight watchers training.  But then, sometime around month 3, I got restriction.  And I continued on that scale of restriction until eating became a major chore.  And that is how I broke up with food.  That is how I eliminated snacking and eating junk.  I simply physically could not.  My willpower was not in question, my band would slap me every time I failed.  I only had to throw up a Christmas cookie once to no longer want to eat them. 

I have written on here that I do employ will power.  I use it to get to the gym every day.  And I use it to run 4 miles instead of 2.  I use it to not take all of my daily calories in liquid form.  But beyond that, my band kicks in and says, Don't Even Think About It!

On the "watching what I eat" front, I really don't.  I have so little real estate and I focus solely on protein.  I am not physically able to eat bread, pasta or rice so I don't even try anymore.  I don't track, I refuse to.  I don't diet, I refuse that too.  I wanted to give up food - and giving up food for me also means not obsessing about it all the time.  And this has worked for me.  There is the other side though, the other option.... and sometimes I wonder what that would be like ;)

BYE BYE OBESITY

Logged into an online BMI calculator today and typed in my info and this is what it spit out:

I am overweight!!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! But seriously, this is kind of a big deal right. I always ignored the BMI thing because I had a BMI over 46 and who really wanted to face that info. But to no longer be obese - and to no longer have the weight of that message of doom and gloom, it feels really freeing. Now....when I hit, HEALTHY, we'll have a little online fiesta.

Are Skinny People More Likely to Cheat?

I have been thinking about this lately because losing weight is a big adjustment for any relationship, especially a marital one.  I now weigh 184 pounds - am I more likely to cheat on my husband now than when I weighed 286 pounds?

My answer is not even NO.  My answer is that I am LESS likely.  When a person is heavy and miserable, their self-esteem plummets.  With low self-esteem, we are almost sitting targets for people who can make us feel better about ourselves, even if it is only for a minute.  With my increasing self-esteem, I actually feel like I am LESS vulnerable to passing flirtations and I don't feel so desperate for the approval or attention of others.  I need other people's buoying of my self-esteem LESS.  I can do it myself.  I can feel good MYSELF.  I don't need someone else to make me feel good about myself.  Does this make sense?

Sure, to a man, it may seem like more people notice me now and I get more compliments.  But I am less reliant on those compliments and thus less likely to be drawn in by them.  In fact, the only person who I care about noticing me other than ME is my husband.  His approval and attention is important.

I will continue to think on this topic - but I would love your feedback too.  Kisses to you all.

100 + Club

Period is gone and so is the 4 pounds I held last week.  I have lost 101.4 lbs.  Here's my stats update from FitDay:

I am a little in shock.  I never imagined losing 50 pounds never mind more than 100.  Sure, they said it was possible, but it's me we're talking about, right?  But I look at this stats sheet and I am amazed.  For 38 weeks straight, I have averaged 2.34 lbs lost.  I am really proud of that number most - because honestly, that's the thing I could never do on my own.  Stick with it.  Stay the course.  Do it week after week.  And the last line makes me happy too - my personal goal is to hit my goal weight of 160 by July 26 - my first band anniversary.  And it looks possible!

Throughout this journey, I have kind of felt really present for the first time in my life.  Like I had a goal and I worked on it actively every day.  And things moved along.  I wasn't focused too much on the future or the past, but active in my present.  This week I have kind of felt a little lost.  My present is the unknown and honestly, success that is not career-related is also the unknown.  This is when I really need to try to come to terms with me - who I am today.  Not who I was.  Not who I will be.  But who I am at this very moment.  It is a difficult task.  I feel a little lost at sea.  No familiar anchor to cling to. 

Mother's Day revised

Every Mother's Day for like the past 4-5 years, my husband takes us and my mom to a local Marriott hotel where they have a huge brunch.  The food is amazing.  This was my first one since being banded.

Going in, I was like, "Okay, I'm not really worth $52.00 worth of food - but it will be okay because I can sample everything."  The fact of the matter is that it wasn't so fun.  The food was good but let's be honest, I was eating less than a quarter of a piece of the 5 items I selected.  I ate one shrimp, one little piece of beef, an olive, a piece of mozzarella cheese... get my drift?  It was okay - I survived - but next year, maybe we should do something not so food-centric?  Who knows...

That said, here's a pic from today...love this.

And one more...wasn't going to do it because all I see is my tummy... but here goes nothing:

Some pics....

Recent pics

And a new year to year comparison pic - full body - May 2010 to May 2011 - what a difference a hundred pounds makes - size 24 to size 10 - bring it!

WHAT?

Went into school today which I haven't done in a while and ran into one of the teachers who is a triathlete and has been pretty supportive of me in this process.  She said SO MOLLY, how is your triathalon training coming?  (She's been trying to get me to do a mini in the Fall with her)  I laughed and she was like, well, you need a new goal.  And I said, a new goal? I haven't hit this one yet.  And she looked surprised.  I told her I had 26 pounds to go and she was like NO WAY!!  You are going to look too skinny.  You look perfect now.  AHAHAHAHAHH  holy crow.  I have NEVER IN MY LIFE had someone say that to me.  And quite frankly, after the day I have had, I will take it.  And I took it and hugged her.  Accept the compliment Molly.  Accept the compliment.

It's All Relative

It turns out there are other things going on in the world besides the fact that I am one pound from losing 100 pounds and I am about to get my period (meaning I need another week to hit my milestone). 

Osama Bin Laden is dead. 

The part of this story that really gets to me is that the team of SEALS that went in KNEW that they were possibly entering a situation that had no live exit.  I am always in awe of people who can risk their lives to do things like this.  I mean, it gives me goose bumps.  They were willing to really truly sacrifice their lives in order to end his and complete this 10 year mission.  It's truly amazing.

Back to my theory of relativity.... 100 pounds can wait for another week.  It's okay.  I am not risking anything other than my patience.

40D?

I seem to have bypassed the 40D at Victoria's Secret.  Any takers?  I am an recovering shopaholic so I have about 9 pristine VS bras size 40D (there might be one 40DD).  I will happily ship them off to the first taker.  Let me know. 

NSV: 5K

Ok, it wasn't an official race, but my husband took me out on a course today and I freaking did it.  I was a little slow just because I was worried I was going to not have enough to finish.  But I did it.  And I am alive to tell about it.  My hubby was super supportive and that felt great.  I was really nervous.  Running on a treadmill is a lot easier.  WHOOOO HOOOOO