Water water water

Ok, 11 days ago, I got .15 ccs pulled from my band.  I weighed in at 147 that morning.  Within 5 days, I had gained 5 lbs and weighed in at 152.  I WAS FREAKING OUT.

So I ran right back in today and got some head adjustment ;)  He put .10 back in - but he told me that I was probably dehyrated at 147 - and the loosening of the band allowed for better hydration.  Scary.  One gallon of water weights 8 lbs... did you know?

Regardless, I needed a bump because I was freaking out.  I promised to drink one G2 per day from here on out.  I honestly didn't feel bad but I guess I need to drink something other than coffee ;)

I feel fat

OMG... I remember how annoyed I would get listening to skinny friends say they felt fat.  It was so incredibly tedious, I often felt like I wanted to come out of my skin.  I mean seriously, how can you weigh 140 lbs, be standing next to me who weighs 286 lbs, and be honestly complaining that you feel fat.

NEWS FLASH:  FEELING FAT IS RELATIVE

Who would have thunk?? 

I feel fat this week.  Seriously, I do.  I also feel stupid and ungrateful for even putting it into print.  I weigh 139 lbs less than I did two years ago, yet I swear, I feel fat today.  And if I say it out loud, any one around me is like WHAT?!?!?! 

What is this phenomenon?  I guess it is water weight - the normal fluctuations in our own bodies - and our sensitivity to it.  But why, as women, are we conditioned to freak out?  To comment on it?  To obsess about it?  How can I even spend a day feeling deflated about it?  I am not fat.  I just feel bloated - or heavier - or something other than FAT.  I was FAT.  I am no longer FAT.  Give it a rest already....

Friday Weigh In - and the Unfill

Hiya - happy Friday!

Lowest recorded weight today:  147 lbs  (that's 139 lbs lost)

Got my .15 cc unfill yesterday.  Dr. Fielding agreed that it was time to slow down the wagon.  I told him I was extremely nervous and he said that it was right to be nervous - that we had to find a good balance.  I have been losing about .5 to 1 pound per month and that really has to stop.  But he wants to make sure I don't get hungry - so the game begins.  I go back in 5 weeks.  The .15 was the undo of my last fill - one year ago.  PLEASE don't let me gain weight.  I have to tell myself that anything between 146 and 150 is FINE.  And be FINE with that.  It is so incredibly hard to shake the LOSER mind set.  I must lose.  I must lose.  God, I have had that mindset for more than two decades. 

Here's a pic from my Saturday night date in NYC with my husband.  Have a great weekend!

Delay

So, doc cancelled.  Turns out docs can get sick - I go next week.

Also, I am abandoning the weekly weigh in - there's no point....  I am down .2.  No movement is good at this point.  Holding is beautiful.  I will post my weight once a month.  This is for life right?  Then why obsess anymore?

Instead, I will go back to waxing philosophical on the mental game that is weight loss.  That's much more fun anyway ;)

Unfill

Going to NYU in a couple of hours and I am very nervous.  It's funny.  I am trying to figure out why.  I don't want to gain weight.  I don't want to go back.  As tight as I am and as much as I still struggle to avoid PBing, I don't know what will happen after an unfill.  Keep you posted ;)

On another note, went to Ann Taylor to buy a suit.  SIZE 4.  Yes, you read that right.  I am a size freaking 4 in my new suit.  It is actually ridiculous - they must run big right???  My hubby came with me and he was really really supportive which was nice.  It was the first time in my life that I could try on anything and ended up picking a suit because it looked great rather than, "Hey, it fits."  Memorable moments....

The time has also come to do my breast lift.  I am going on February 8 for the final consultation.  I really cannot stand this part of my body anymore and I have to take action rather than sitting around and lamenting something that could so easily and quickly be remedied.  This is 2012 and I am living this year for me.  And ME wants new boobs ;)

Weigh In Day

Today's Weight:  147.4 lbs (up .2 since December 23)

AND THIS ROCKS because that was Christmas, the holiday week, New Year's.... An SV if you will ;)
Very happy about this number, very happy that I seem to have settled in.  Now I question whether I should have the unfill - but I am keeping the appointment and will let good ole' Doctor Fielding decide.

2012

I'm gonna be 40 this year - and I am okay with that ;)  This is going to be my year - my year to be me, the authentic me, me without my padding, me without other people's crap, ME.