Headache

I have been fortunate that I don't really get headaches or anything else that requires pills (knock on wood).  But last night, I had a raging headache.  When I went to bed, I was in quite a lot of pain.  I woke up at 12:30am and I thought, I cannot take this anymore.

I went to the kid's bathroom and found my stash of chewable children's Tylenol.  I popped 6 pills and then I stood there.... and I stood there.  And I waited and waited a little more.  Even though I chewed them to smithereens and took a little sip of water, I knew that I could not immediately go back and lie down.  I had to give it a minute.  So I did.  I stood there for 5 minutes and then I returned to my bed and fell asleep.

Why am I telling you this?  It's just one of those things I have to do now in my banded life.  These are the kinds of things that pre- or newly- banded people are never told ;)  Sure, there are some people who can still take pills.  I am not one of them. 

Stabilize?

I have lost 2 pounds in the last week.  I did not have an unfill last week when I saw my surgeon.

Personally, I have decided to continue to 152 or 153 lbs and then have a slight unfill.  That means 5 more pounds.  This would leave me with a nice lifetime window of 150-155 and would also put me squarely into a healthy BMI range.  I am not telling anyone but you guys though.  I just feel like I want to hang out - see what happens.  Not have people ask me - or worry about me - or warn me about how skinny is too skinny.  This even leaves some room for the weight loss projected by the plastic surgeon. 

Trust me, I am in a place I never imagined being.  Contemplating my ideal weight....I mean, it's ludacris no?  I have been over 200 lbs since I was 18 years old.  Yup, that's like 22 years....  I never in my wildest imagination thought I would have a conversation like this with myself.  But I'm here...  and apparently in order to maintain, you have to have a maintenance weight goal ;)

Maintainers out there??  Did you have an unfill to stabilize your weight??

Shrink anyone??

Last night I was putting away my laundry and I realized that my drawers are again full of clothes that don't fit me.  So I started pulling things out, then I moved onto my closet - and this is where I ended up.

Okay, maybe I need to see my therapist again...but I had a really hard time this time.  My brain and my body are more out of synch than I even believe.  This pile contains some work out clothes, my 1x and XXL tshirts and random pieces of size 12 and 14 clothing that I acquired this year and no longer can wear.  I feel a little weird...I have to admit.  I really struggled.  I made myself put everything on.  I just could not believe that an XL from New York and Company was no longer wearable.  And here's the big one - in an earlier post, I talked about an Ann Taylor suit jacket size 14 that I have had since my first job out of college... my roomate who worked at AT had acquired it for me and it was pretty tight then, I remember that it looked nice but I could never have buttoned it up.  Several months ago I took it out and it fit for the first time in my life.  Well, tonight, I swim in the thing.  I don't think these pictures even make it obvious - but I can't keep my jacket any more.  It is no longer a goal....

I know, I know.  This is why I had the surgery.  This was the point.  But let me be honest, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET HERE.  I mean, really. 

It is so hard to explain this to people who have never gone through this.  Why this is unsettling - why my calm is somewhat shattered.  Other people might say, "What is she going on about????"  But I think I am finally experiencing this alignment issue that people warned me about.... I see a fat girl.  Not a super fat girl - but maybe a chunky girl.  I see the clothes that she owns.  My brain and reality are not fully in alignment. 

The first closet cleaning was joyous.  This one was strange and little scary.  Is this my last one?  No more closet cleaning for me (for size reasons anyway)?  Can anyone feel what I am saying?  It's weird....

To tell or not to tell...

Yesterday, I had several comments on decisions not to tell people you were banded.  I thought I would write a post about this topic.  I remember writing something pretty similar on LapBandTalk.

Before I was banded, I was absolutely positive that I would tell NO ONE (other than my close family and friends).  But once I was banded and had lost noticeable amount of weight, I felt like I really could not just let people say, WOW.  You know that WOW always comes with - HOW??  And it started to get to me...  I mean, I was one of those people once.  You saw someone who had obviously had success and I would ask HOW??  So I always felt bad just saying, I work out a lot and I eat very little.  It just seemed like it was unfair somehow to make someone feel like I had done it myself, and that they were obviously not trying hard enough.  (And, to be honest, losing 126 lbs in one year would make people talk no matter what I admitted to.)

I mean, I totally get the other viewpoint.  And this is such a person decision.  I noticed that around month 3 I started to say things like "I had some help..."  I really truly struggled with talking with someone who was obviously in the same difficult situation I had been in and not being honest with them.  Truth be told, when a skinny skinny commented, I would just say THANKS ;) 

And now, I feel very strongly about the lapband as a viable life-altering option.  I see extremely obese people these days and I think to myself, YOU HAVE OPTIONS.  DON'T BE AFRAID.  I am not really an advocate, but I feel like I represent an option for people.  And people want to know... go ahead, start telling people and see how they respond.  They want to hear about it.  They want to know if the horror stories perpetuated in the press are true.  And those who judge me, well, read my last post.  I don't really even care at all.  I will live longer, I am a size 8 and loving the shopping life - and I feel really good about myself.  Judge away ;)

Come on...be honest.

Deep inside most of us, in a part we infrequently access, is that little bitty part that says, "I know I cheated and took the easy way out."  That's the part that society has trained us to feel, we, the bariatric patient.

Have you read this? 

http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/shortorder/2011/08/weight_loss_surgery_is_the_eas.php

I read it and had my two programmed responses.  First and quickest, "OMG, I totally cheated".  Then, the second one I have developed pre and post-op.  "It's totally not cheating, they don't understand how hard it is."

Honestly, 12 months out, my real answer lies somewhere between the two. 

Why if someone is successful, does everyone else have to attribute it to cheating?  And WTF is cheating anyway???  Did I copy someone else's answer to weight loss?  It's it only cheating if there is a winner?  Or a high scorer?  Do they call people cheaters if they are last place???  And when did this become a competition??  Don't we wish health and wellbeing on all of human kind???  Are people in UN refugee camps cheaters because they found government sponsored shelter?  I mean, honestly, it's ridiculous.  This woman who wrote this piece is a little hostile about a game that I would argue NONE of us signed up to play.  Does it only count if you work harder than someone else?  We only deserve to be skinny if we follow her rules?  Am I ranting???

Where's my answer?  I was smart enough to know I needed help (notice the word HELP, not CHEAT).  I readily admit that I was not as good as our writer here at establishing my own limits.  It's like saying a recovering alcoholic is a cheater if they go to AA instead of kicking their addiction at home. 

My sister and I once had a conversation like this - only it was honest and constructive.  My sister is thin - but thin because she works her BUTT off at it.  She teaches fitness classes, sometimes twice a day, and regulates the hell out of her eating.  She admits to a moderate exercise addiction.  And when I was banded, she really didn't want to talk to me about it.  She would grimace at the mention of the changes in my life.  But then one day, I just asked her, "Why do I feel like you are not supporting me here?"  And you know what, she answered - honestly.  She told me that she was essentially jealous - that she worked so hard every day and she wished that she did not have to work so hard.  SO THAT'S IT FOLKS - to the outsider, it seems easier than dieting and exercising.  We insiders, however, know that it is not guaranteed and it is not easy.  We all still have to work, only we had to have surgery and had to endure the struggle of obesity to get the surgery. 

If cheating means that when I work, I get results - then so freaking be it.  I CHEATED!!!!!!

My Hair...

I see a lot of posts on lapbandtalk about people worrying about losing their hair.  My hair started to fall out around my temples around month 3.  The falling out was often a little freaky - but it also grew at the same time.  I noticed that it slowed around month 6. 

It's slow now but I often notice little short pieces, newly grown hair.  Little wisps as if it had broken off. 

I don't lose handfuls of hair anymore - and it actually seems kind of normal.  What's not exactly normal is that my hair has not yet returned to its normal thickness.  I seem to have less hair - not that this is a problem for me since I used to have TOO much, thick, boofy hair.  If I braid it, the braid is noticeably thinner.  I am not sure why. 

I take a multivitamin and I get about 60-80 grams of protein per day in my 700-800 calorie diet.  I sometimes wonder though if I got more protein, or if I took a different type of supplement, things would change.  But then again, I don't want my boofy hair to TOTALLY come back ;)

My Tricks

At NYU two days ago, I sat in the waiting room with a group of women who were at various stages of the process.  Several of them were also celebrating their one year anniversaries of banded life.  Of these women, most had lost between 45 and 60 lbs.  That is in line with what Allergan says is to be expected from the lapband right?  1-3 lbs per week? 

So of course, they wanted to know how I lost 126 lbs and got to goal weight in one year.  And me too... why was my average weekly weight loss consistently around the top of this range?  2.54 lbs per week for 52 weeks straight.  Why?  Is it luck?  Body chemistry?  Physiology?  Who the heck knows...

Here's some of my thoughts after this discussion at NYU:

1.  I exercise.
2.  I keep my band pretty tight.
3.  I eat only protein.
4.  I don't snack EVER - and I don't eat breakfast.  I eat twice a day.
5.  I only allow myself to eat for 20 minutes - I don't pick a portion and then keep at it until it is gone.
6.  I don't diet or count.  I don't allow myself to obsess about food.
7.  Stayed the course even when things seemed to stall.

But seriously, others probably can make the same list.  I have no idea why I was so successful.  Singular determination?  I would like to say that, but I am not sure that is completely true.  It was funny though yesterday because if you talk long enough, you can start to hear the ways we self-sabotage.  "Nachos go down."  "I can eat an 8 ounce steak if I take my time."  "I can't eat salad, but I can eat cookies."  We were all addicts.  For most of us, that's how we got here.  And addictions take time.  But maybe we need to realize that it is something that we need to work on ourselves, while the band does the rest.  Get inside of our own heads, understand how we work, how we think - and then grab hold of the reins and create the life we want to have (with the help of our little band friend).

Temporary and Imaginary

Went to NYU yesterday for my one year appointment with Dr. George Fielding.  Did I mention I have a crush?

Bariatric surgeons are self esteem counselors in disguise.  If you don't feel that way, then find someone who makes you feel that good.  He walked in and said, WOW, You're hot.  Come on now... like that didn't feel FAB!!!  I gave him the picture and he said, you know what, I am not putting this on the wall.  I am going to put it on my desk.  A superstar he said.  I felt like a million bucks for sure.

We discussed my weight since I have now passed my goal.  He said that I should really never weigh less than 145 lbs given my height.  Since the plastic surgeon estimated 8 lbs of skin, he told me that I should try to stay around 152-155 lbs until surgery.  That said, he left my fill alone and told me to come back if and when I get to 150 lbs and he would take some out and that should stabilize my weight.  Needless to say, this was the most bizarre converstion of my life.  Discussing how not to be too skinny.  Come on, it was almost surreal.

I have titled this post "Temporary and Imaginary" because I kind of felt that way for the rest of the day.  Like it was too good to be true - like it was a temporary rush.  I almost cannot describe it.  George told me it took him a full year to recognize his own reflection.  I have honestly never thought that much ahead of today.  A year?  I get to keep this body for another year?  I don't have to turn it in now?  So strange the things a mind can do.  This is who I am now.  I am no longer defined by my padding.

We talked for a while about my marriage and about how destabilizing a rapid change like mine can be on my relationships with other people.  He said that no matter what my husband says, a newly skinny wife can create great insecurity and that I should always be cognizant of it.  We also talked about how resentment builds when you feel like people you love are not supportive and how we have to work to manage that resentment.  Again, like I have said before, there is something truly special about a surgeon who also has the band.  He gets it.  He's lived it.  He knows from personal experience - not just professional experience.  

So now....I enter maintenance.  This is the life of non-losers.  Nothing to lose - but everything to gain.  I would be lying if I didn't say I felt some pressure.  Is what they say also true for bandsters?  It's easier to maintain than lose?   Let's find out.

They Get Used to It

I remember in the beginning being so frustrated by eating out.  Waiters are drug pushers with aprons and I always felt so harassed.  NO, I don't want anything to drink and NO, I don't want anything but the soup.  And YES, everything is fine even though I am not scarfing down the food you placed in front of me.  I had asked my surgeon about how he dealt with it, and he had very bluntly told me, "Tell them to go F*&K themselves."  He also said that you get over it - and your favorite restaurants get used to it.

You know what.... it's true.  I don't give a damn about what someone has to say about what I eat or don't eat.  I don't care if the server thinks I have lost my mind because I don't even want the stupid free glass of water.  I don't care.  AND, it's true - at my favorite restaurants, they get me by now.  They know the deal.  I don't want the fluff, I don't want the starch, don't put bread on my table.  And DON'T ASK ME IF EVERYTHING IS OKAY ;)

The other thing I have silently noticed is that my husband has finally, after a year, figured this thing out.  He doesn't put pasta on my plate anymore and he doesn't shop for 4 anymore.  He knows that if I am going to have a drink with him, it is not at dinner time.  He has adapted (but don't let him read this).  This is just who I am now and what seemed like a shock and a battle in the beginning, is now just the way I live my life.

Bye Bye Online Shopping

When I was fat, I shopped online.  At the time, I would have told you "I know what I like and where to get it" but now that I can shop in places other than Lane Bryant and Old Navy Online, I realize that this was just a reflection of my lack of hope in finding something I really liked. 

I don't want to shop online anymore.  I WANT to go into the store and try stuff on and make sure, absolutely sure, that I love it to pieces.  Man, being UNFAT is super cool.  Sure, I still have my zappos.com addiction.  But no more Old Navy for me... not unless I go in and try it on.  And no more 5 different colors of the same sweater, I want unique pieces - interesting pieces - and ONE of them.  There will be another sweater, another shirt, another blouse that I love.  I don't need the overkill anymore.

It's pretty fun ;)

Eat Because You Have To

I have posted this many times on here - but the mark of a successful bandster is a person who ultimately realizes that the goal is to see how LITTLE you can eat when banded, rather than HOW MUCH you can eat while banded.  This seems like a small nuance, but it is really the key.  No matter how you choose to lose (tight, filled, not filled, dieting), this shift in mentality and relationship with food is ultimately the trick.  How little can I eat and not feel hungry?  How little can I eat and still run 5 miles?  How little can I eat and keep my hair?  How little can I eat and still feel great?

I take vitamins.  I am super tight.  I really honestly only eat protein.  I'll drink a V8 on occasion only when I realize how long it has been since I saw a vegetable.  I don't eat fruit.  I can't eat lettuce or spinach.  No bread, pasta, rice.  Somewhere around January, this SEEING HOW LITTLE I CAN EAT thing kicked in and I learned very quickly what my balance was. 

This is what I ate for lunch today - half of the crab cake and half of the salmon.  I knocked the protein out of the park, got in some good fat (and some not so hot fat) and was super happy and satisfied.  Salmon was my least favorite thing in the world pre-band - now I live for it.  It goes down so nicely ;)

My ass

Ok ok...I promise to go back to writing some meaningful posts about my journey and my experience with the lap band... but can I just I have one more moment of completely purposeless posts?

Yes... that's my ass.  And yes, I have it in jeans made for some 20 year old.  Why?  BECAUSE I FREAKING CAN FOR THE FIRST DARN TIME.  My daughter, who is 8, is the coolest of the cools.  She participated in this nonsensical adventure and was so funny and so supportive.  She gets me - and I get her.  It's sublime.

Goal pic...

Going on Thursday to see my surgeon and have to take my before and after pics for the wall of fame.  How about this one for my goal pic?

The aftermath ;)

So...1.5 lbs to go to goal and I am wondering if I should go for 155.  I have an appointment with my surgeon next week and I was planning on asking him to loosen me up a smidge.  But....

Is this normal?

Also....is it normal for me to now be noticing the aftermath of my weight plummet?  I have really droopy boobies... and my stomach looks like a disaster.  I have hope though because LAPBAND GAL had such an amazing change in her stomach once she got and stayed at goal for 6 months. 

I worried a lot that I would get to this point and feel somehow lost - or disappointed.  Like I no longer had a goal.  And that's not the case at all.  I feel good - like now I can go on to focus on other things that are a priority for me.  I feel like I am just getting to know myself and I am excited about what lies ahead for me (including a tummy tuck and a breast lift - HAHAHAHAH). 

Trying to lose weight sucks.  Being successful at it is better - but it still is a process.  Now I am ready to live.  My body is not holding me back anymore and my mind is chomping at the bit to get out there and do things I have always dreamed of.

Stay the course my compatriots... it is so beautiful here.  Don't ever give up on yourselves - EVER.