Last night I was putting away my laundry and I realized that my drawers are again full of clothes that don't fit me. So I started pulling things out, then I moved onto my closet - and this is where I ended up.
Okay, maybe I need to see my therapist again...but I had a really hard time this time. My brain and my body are more out of synch than I even believe. This pile contains some work out clothes, my 1x and XXL tshirts and random pieces of size 12 and 14 clothing that I acquired this year and no longer can wear. I feel a little weird...I have to admit. I really struggled. I made myself put everything on. I just could not believe that an XL from New York and Company was no longer wearable. And here's the big one - in an earlier post, I talked about an Ann Taylor suit jacket size 14 that I have had since my first job out of college... my roomate who worked at AT had acquired it for me and it was pretty tight then, I remember that it looked nice but I could never have buttoned it up. Several months ago I took it out and it fit for the first time in my life. Well, tonight, I swim in the thing. I don't think these pictures even make it obvious - but I can't keep my jacket any more. It is no longer a goal....
I know, I know. This is why I had the surgery. This was the point. But let me be honest, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET HERE. I mean, really.
It is so hard to explain this to people who have never gone through this. Why this is unsettling - why my calm is somewhat shattered. Other people might say, "What is she going on about????" But I think I am finally experiencing this alignment issue that people warned me about.... I see a fat girl. Not a super fat girl - but maybe a chunky girl. I see the clothes that she owns. My brain and reality are not fully in alignment.
The first closet cleaning was joyous. This one was strange and little scary. Is this my last one? No more closet cleaning for me (for size reasons anyway)? Can anyone feel what I am saying? It's weird....
I understand were you are comming from. Its hard to let go of the self image you have had for so long. even if you no longer look that way anymore
ReplyDeleteI nearly have the opposite problem. My 20s and 18s are swimming on me, so I tried on 16s and felt certain I'd be able to buy them. Nope, still a little snug and honestly I've worn tight clothing too many times in my life to do it anymore so I figure I have a bit further to go before the 16s fit. I imagine I'll swing back the other way where you are when I get closer to my goal weight. right now though I'm actually thinking I should be fitting in sizes that don't really fit yet. :) That jacket is sharp, it is definately too large for you now though!
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