Tattoo?

I don't have any tattoos.  Never really been my thing.  I can appreciate a good piece of art but I never wanted something permanently on my body.  But I have been thinking about commemorating this journey of self-discovery.  I know WHAT I want to put on my body....I just need some help deciding WHERE.

This pic is a symbol for me of my journey - and it is based on the reason behind A LEAD SINGER, which I wrote about in my first blog post - click here.  Got any good ideas of where this should go?

How did I get here....

I am in my 180s.... I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe this dream I had has finally come true.  I cannot believe that I have stayed committed and focused and the payback has come to fruition.  I am in shock...  I am in awe.  I have almost lost 100 pounds in less than 9 months.... I never even dreamed this would be possible.  OMG....  For those of you out there just starting your journey, stay the course.  Enjoy the ride.  You are worth it and you can do it.

Jellybeans suck....I mean stuck.

Happy Easter!  Walked by the bowl today and mindlessly grabbed 3 black jelly beans and tossed them back (old me).  New me paid the price by puking them promptly into the sink.  Damn that band sometimes...totally unforgiving.  Easter eating was a non-issue for me today.... don't know how it happened.  Made eggs with my kids and my hubby turned them into egg salad.  Ate about 1/4 cup along with a crispy cracker thing.  For dinner, I ate one slice of ham and about 1/4 cup of turnips (love them).  And an artichoke heart.  No chocolate - no digested candy.   One pre-bed protein shake... and that's a wrap.  Guess what?  I survived.  Tomorrow is weigh in.... bring it on.

Repenting...

Ok.  I feel a little bad about my last post.  That's not all I eat.  I just thought it was funny to see the collection together.  I do have a coffee mate addiction, that's true.  I just like creamy coffee and don't want the calories.  The other things are fall back foods - like when I am home or in a rush or tight because I have my period.  I do eat other things.... I am tight, but not too tight.  I ate 2 ounces of filet mignon last night...so come on.  ;)

Funny...or maybe not.

Had to share this pic with you all....had a little giggle when I was putting away groceries yesterday.  Molly's diet... the only thing missing are my protein shakes...

Crazy Night

Ok...it's been more than 9 months since I tied one on.  In fact, I was sort of feeling like it would never be possible again.  I mean, I cannot drink quickly, nevermind something very cold.  Last night, my husband and I went to a Costa Rican restaurant in a nearby city and boy, did I prove that life does not end after lap-band.  I was able to slowly eat some of the typical things like fried green plantains and chiccarones.  I couldn't eat much, but I got a taste of each one.  And I chose a little coffee and baileys and let me just say, I had a great night.  It was so much fun!  I think my husband was relieved... he worried more than I did that I would never be able to party again.  I cringe if I let myself contemplate the caloric intake, but what the heck, it's not like I do it every week.  Rocking!  So happy today, albeit a little hung over.

Here chick chick

Okay, I would like to talk to you today about canned chicken.  I know, it sounds gross and my chef husband would probably kill me for this - but I have just finished eating my first can.  Bandmates...let me just say....100 calories, 18 grams of protein wrapped in a 4 ounce serving of soft, easily edible heaven.  I am choosing to ignore the sodium and just sip some extra water.... but man, it went down super easy and I am kind of experiencing a little joy here. 

I have gotten to the point that many people talk about where food is such a non-issue.  I don't look forward to meals with the same zeal I did before and honestly, sometimes I even forget to eat.  But this little can of bliss has kind of made my day.  SO EASY.

Just thought I would share.... have a great weekend!

I heart George

There he is.... my surgeon, George Fielding.

Spent the morning with George today.  Dr. Fielding has a band, so this makes my appointments even more useful than would be expected.  When I ask him something, his answers come from years of PERSONAL experience, combined with other patient experience.  I like that.  I feel comforted by that.  I didn't need an adjustment today and I knew I didn't.  But I needed to check in - something I recommend for everyone in their first year.  GO EVERY MONTH.  Check in, get what you need, have the interaction.  Mine today was great....I'm sharing....(in a paraphrased fashion)

Why are my periods coming closer and closer together?
A:  Have a gynecological checkup, this can just be your body adjusting, or it could be something else.

How do you stay hydrated when you run a lot?
A:  It is very modern to strap water bottles to our bodies these days when we run.  You don't need to.  Run and then drink.  You will not die of thirst.  (Imagine this with an Australian accent)

Do you think my goal weight of 160 makes sense at this point?
A:  Ha.  The band is working.  You are not even at one year.  You will get to 160 and then you will keep going - you will probably land somewhere 10-15 lbs lower than goal.  I wouldn't worry about a thing.

I want to have a tummy tuck.  My insurance will pay for it.
A:  Lose 20 more pounds and go have a consult. 

Is PBing 4-5 times a week bad?
A:  It's the reality of eating the second bite too quickly.  Just take it easy but no, it's not bad.

How do you know if you slip your band?
A:  You get incredible heart burn, you can't lie down, you regurgitate at night and you stop being able to eat things you could always eat before.

I sometimes think I do not eat enough.
A:  Molly, you are doing better than expected.  I weigh 205 lbs and I eat 800 calories a day in maintenance.  200 of those are probably liquid calories.  I simply don't need to eat anymore and I am fine.  Do not let people convince you that you are doing something wrong.  You are doing exactly what you are supposed to do. 

It is super easy to become obsessed with this process.  I left Dr. Fielding's office today feeling like I am on track and I need to be okay with my personal journey.  Weight loss surgery success is indeed measured on the scale - and given that, I am doing the right things.  For some reason, his frank and relaxed Aussie way just makes me feel better.  Everything is okay.

Looking for bones

My husband may be coming around.  He was SOOOO incredibly supportive this weekend.  Maybe he has finally realized that I am not going to get skinny and ditch him.  He seems to be obsessed with finding places on my body where he can feel my bones.  May sound a little crazy but I have been with him for 16 years and trust me, none of those were years where I had bones that you could feel.  I have to admit that I love it.  He runs his finger along my collar bone and up and down my rib cage and I just giggle.  I have been so scared of how he felt about me doing this - and so scared that he would not see me as attractive anymore (he was very complimentary of me when I was fat).  All weekend he told me I was beautiful and it was truly amazing the transformation.  He was downright lovely.  And truth be told, what he says and what he thinks matter to me.  I want him to be happy with me - and it looks like that just might be happening.

What is going on?

Ok....I held my weight exactly at 200.2 for two weeks.  Then, on April 1, I finally made it into Onderland.  In the last 7 days, however, I have lost 6 lbs.  I'm not complaining, but I have no idea what is going on.  Just when you think you might have this thing figured out....

Maybe my body was afraid of Onederland - and now that we are there, it's like, "Okay, I can do this." -or maybe (and probably more likely) I was not eating enough.  Yesterday was not a stellar food day, but I kept everything down so that has to be an improvement. 

I guess I just have to accept that I have no idea what is going on and that I just need to stay the course and accept that each week is different.  Next week I fully expect to not lose anything.  I won't like it, but I will have to accept it.  ;)

GYNO NSV

Went to the obgyn today and, for the first time in my adult life, the only thing they had to say about my weight was "GOOD JOB."  But that's not really the NSV I am talking about.  I am talking about this:

Yes ladies...that's a gyno robe... and yes, it could more than wrap around me.  HOLY COW!!!!  That was a definite first in my life.... no slit up to my privates, no boobs hanging out.  It almost made what came after okay...I said almost.

Fat Pictures...

Took this today after my work out....

And I downloaded it and saved it in the file I have on my computer called "Fat Pictures."  When I saved it, I realized it is not really a FAT PICTURE - it is more like an overweight picture.  I made that file to hold all of the pre-op pictures I collected the week before my surgery.  I assembled a group of pictures of myself that I hated - that made me feel digusted with myself.  So how can I drop this picture into that folder?   I need to rename this file.  Got any good ideas? 

Clothes....

So I had my sale like a month ago and I made about $500.00.  Then I took the ton of clothes that were left to this awesome lady at a nearby consignment store.  They had a 20 item limit, but she took all 200+ pieces that I brought in.  Some with tags, all in great shape.  All sizes 18-22.  She was lovely and it was a positive experience.  Should start getting checks by next week.  I don't care though, I just wanted it gone. 

Then today, I went to New York and Company and bought a pair of cropped jeans - they have some stretch to them, but I bought a freaking size 12.  They are a little tight but I can do them up and I can certainly wear them comfortably.  So I promptly came home and faced what remains in my closet.

I have a collection of clothes that I bought (tags on) in Plus Size 14 and XLs.  They do not fit me in any way.  But they were the clothes that I held on to HOPING AND PRAYING that one day, some way, they would fit me again.  And they don't fit still....just the opposite way - they are too big.  So I removed them from my closet, what a strange feeling.  And I will take them to the consignment shop as well.  But it is weird...they were my goal.

I have a normal, non stretch pair of size 12 jeans from the Gap.  They are my next goal.  In fact, when I bought them, I assumed they would be my final goal.  But how can that be so when I have 39 pounds to lose?  Is there any way in hell that I will actually end up a size 10?????  That seems unbelievable to me.  And I am forced yet again to think about the words of my therapist....the body gets skinny before the brain does.  And my brain is like 4 sizes bigger than my body. ;)

ONEDERLAND!!!!!

OH THANK GOD..... This has been the longest two weeks of my banded journey.  Two weeks filled with angst and self-doubt.  But my scale is moving again and it has finally moved below 200.  I feel RELIEVED more than any other emotion.  YIPPPEEEEEE. I don't ever want to see it above 200 again in my life.