Reflections....NSVs and other mild varieties of torture

Went to Mexico last Friday.  Major NSV when I fit in the airplane seat and could do up the seat belt without an extender.   Upon arrival however, I realized that I had left the pile of my new and exciting bathing suits on my dresser....  come on girls, imagine?  Bathing suit acquisition is a long and arduous process.... and I had just realized that I had not a single one.  So I promptly fell to pieces and my husband packed me into a taxi cab and took me to a mall in Cancun.  A mall...can you imagine?  In Mexico?  The land of small frame people and thongs?  I cried the whole time... but did finally find something in Sears Cancun ;)  Still shaking, in the cab, my hubby looks and me and says, "Come on Molly....six months ago you never could have done this, walked into any store and bought a suit."  You know what, he was right.  Massive NSV.  (And very supportive husband to boot...) 

I did however remember to bring my series of newly acquired resort dresses and I was so happy to put those on each night.  I felt great.  AND, on top of that, we went to have a couples massage and the freaking SPA ROBE FIT ME!  Yup, I could do it up and not worry that I was showing anything.  TOTALLY AMAZING NSV!!!!

So, all in all, it was a great trip.  No cute bathing suits, but a success nonetheless. 

And one other thing, came home to my scale and found that I didn't gain a single pound.  Didn't lose in the last 6 days, but didn't gain.

Here are some pics....

Fat Girl Moments....

I have to share these two moments with you all, because really, who else will get it?

This morning, I went to get a spray tan.  I have never done it before but I look REALLY pasty and I want to look good in Mexico.  The small bikini girl gave me the instructions and the full run down.  When she was done, I looked at the red line on the floor and asked, "What is that for?  Do I put my toes on that or stand over it?"  And she said, "Oh don't worry, you'll be fine - that's for big girls who might stand too close to the nozzles."  NO WAY!  Bikini girl didn't include me in the category of people who take up so much room in the booth that they need to be reminded to stand back.... I had a moment.  I honestly wanted to kiss her.  I forgot all the instructions during my brief moment of gleeeeeeee.

Then, walking out to my car, I could see that someone had parked so closely to my car, that there was no way I was going to be able to get in the driver side.  My mind raced - oh no, I need to try to get in the passenger side and somehow climb to the other side.... But when I got to my car, I realized that I could just slide into the small opening on the driver's side - another sweet little moment had.

Being heavy, being obese is HARD and I don't think we realize how much we struggle to even do minor things like putting our shoes on or getting into our own cars.  I am holding these two little moments in my hands and smiling.  Thank you lap band ;)

Pre Vacation Anxiety...in a new and exciting form

Off to Mexico in 2 days - can't wait to spend some time with my husband sans children - and just be an adult.  Oh, maybe I should rewrite that last sentence.... and just be a normal, not HUGE adult at the beach with my husband ;)  I would normally be anxiety-ridden right now, worrying about how much weight I would gain eating and drinking my heart out.  But nope, with my friend the band, I don't really have to worry about eating myself into a hole.  That's all worked out.  I am however pretty worked up about what it will feel like in my new body, in my new bathing suit.  OMG.  I really truly cannot wait to feel normal and average and not large and sweaty and uncomfortable.  Is it even possible? 

Dear Lane Bryant:

Today I have lost 75 pounds.  It has been 6 and half months since my surgery.  And while you have been a steady friend of mine through the past 2 decades, I regret to inform you that I will no longer grace the sales floors of your stores.  Be honest.  You know our relationship has often been strained.  I most often felt horrible when I was with you and I frequently bought things from you that I didn't really like just because I had to clothe myself.  Well, those days are over.  At 211 pounds, I no longer need to rely on you and am now, in fact, free to see other people. ;)  So long my friend!

Love, Molly

Life After Food

I used to plan my day around when and what I would eat.  When I was dieting, I would plan everything, tracking and calculating.  When I was not dieting, I would plan what restaurant to go to and obsess about what I wanted to eat.  I want you to know that there is a life after food, as long as you are willing to embrace it. 

Tonight we had a dinner party.  My husband was incredible as always.  He made shredded pork tacos with chipotle mayo and a slaw dressing.  I ate 2 pieces of the pork filling.  I would have eaten 4 tacos before.  I would have obsessed all day about the tacos, they are amazing.  He made a salad, I ate a couple of pieces of the arugula and a small slice of cheddar cheese.  He made rice with asparagus and I ate half an aparagus stalk.  He made filet mignon and I ate about 2 ounces of it.  And you know what, I survived!  I skipped the cream brulee and I am actually still breathing and my heart is still pumping.  I even had a good time.  Food or no food. 

Red...

GIVE ME SOMETHING DIFFERENT!!!  I mean, how can you have the same hair when everything else has changed, right?  So, I went red today... so fun.  Maybe I'll pull a Khloe Kardashian and be brunette again next week....but for today, I'm loving it!

Drug Pushers

Had my big pitch today - it went really well.  I have always been a confident presenter but MAN, it was nice to feel like they weren't looking at my fat.  After, I went to lunch with one of the people who happens to be someone I know from grad school.  We have known each other for more than 12 years and I have not seen him in 2 years.  I know he noticed a difference but he would not comment.  I was nervous about lunch because I am SO FREAKING tight and I knew I couldn't pull off the casual eat a little bit thing.  I opted for a hot tea (open me up) and then the beef barley soup.  The waitress made such a big, ANNOYING deal about my lack of ordering, eating, consuming.  She kept coming back and asking if I wanted something else to eat or to drink.  I knew my colleague was thinking there was something wrong with me while my little waitress drug pusher was trying to get me to eat.  OHHHHH I hate that crap.  Leave me ALONE.  So I finally confessed about the surgery to Bob and he was like, YEAH!  You look great.  And immediately I was happy to have told him because I realized that he was thinking I was sick or something....

Back to the waitress....WHY?  Why can't people just have soup?  And why can't I consume one beverage and not want more?  Why do I need her to harrass me publicly?  The obesity epidemic is fueled by many things, including waitresses that feel like something HAS TO BE WRONG with someone who only had soup for lunch.  Can you tell I am annoyed?

Ann Taylor and other mind blowing adventures...

WHAT??????????  WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT LABEL SAY??  Deep breath.... seriously.  Popped into the Ann Taylor shop at our local outlets, 7 year old daughter in tow - just to see if they had something cheap I could wear to my meeting tomorrow.  My daughter bore witness to my gleeful nervous breakdown as I first tried the XL to find it was too loose.....  shut the FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Came home on a mission - dug through the storage room in the basement to find a bag of clothes I kept for the past 20 years - a dress I wore when I first met my husband, Ann Taylor suit jackets from my first job, things like that.  I put the jackets on - size 14 - and they fit, but MAN, that style has come and gone ladies.  I think they now refer to them as BOYFRIEND jackets - remember when suit jackets actually hit below your hips?  I can put then on, now I can get rid of them!  Then I tried on the dress... and my husband and I had a moment.  His moment was remembering me young and new, pre-babies and responsiblity-free.  My moment was remembering how sad I was when I packed up that dress, realizing that I probably would never wear it again.  Two distinct moments - but shared moments nonetheless.  What an emotional day I have had.....

Before and After

Not of me...I am not at "after" yet!  This is instead a before and after of my dinner.  I know I said I was going to go liquid today - and I did, all day, until my husband made salmon and I tried, and it worked.  Of course, I only ate about 2 ounces of salmon and one piece of zucchini - but that's a start, right?

Puke, vomit, PB... whatever

Call it whatever you want....but what gives?  Had a fill two weeks ago tomorrow.... tight but then okay.  Could not eat very much, but could eat.  Last two days, I have not been able to keep anything down (except liquid).  Yesterday tuna salad was a no go.  Had soup for super bowl dinner.... and even that thought about reappearing.  Actually lost my liquid medication before bed last night.  Lost egg today for lunch and just lost some rice, veggies and very soft chicken.  Tomorrow I will just go liquid all day and try to calm down my system.  But I wonder, is this because I am getting my period today or tomorrow?  I know I have read about people getting tighter right before their periods, anyone else have this experience?

What to do?

This may sound ridiculous....but it is real. I am feeling an intense level of anxiety over my clothes. I don't have any anymore. Even my favorite go to black dress pants look ridiculously large... I have two pairs of jeans and three sweaters. No suits for work. No dressy clothes (besides my new resort dress). But I also am not at goal. Arghghghghghg.....

So, what to do? I have 28 bags of clothes in my attic. I am going to have a sale. Soon...ok therapist? Soon. A big sale in my garage. Whatever I don't sell, I will donate. I have over 17 pairs of jeans. My husband helped me bag it all and he was amazed how many items still had tags on. I tried to explain to him that when nothing looks good, you keep buying different things, hoping to be able to piece together something that you feel good in. He was very patient and supportive but figures that there were over $1700 in clothes that still had tags. I know this is really bad. I resolve to never do it again. I will love what I buy or I won't buy it. I promise. (I love that dress.)

But I have no plans to stay this size. My goal is to be a 10. And since I am now between a 16 and 14 regular, I cannot buy clothes. I will not buy clothes. Yet I have a big pitch on Wednesday and I have to look great. Can't wear my new dress because I think they want to see my ideas not my boobs. Thus my anxiety....

On a good note, six months ago I would have done anything to avoid this type of meeting. Me standing up in front of a bunch of strangers...but not now. I don't feel like anyone will look at me and think, "whoa...she's huge.". That's a major deal. But what to wear?

Also - just as a follow up to my previous post - I think people think that I am agressive but that if they can endure the noise, they can still get me to do whatever it is that they want.  I spend a lot of time doing things for other people that I really don't want to do.  I also give up things I love sometimes.  Sure, I yell and scream and say no - but I always end of doing it.  My shrink is right.  I have to shut down the aggressiveness (that is a defensive response) and up the assertiveness.  Still taking ideas on how exactly to accomplish this.....

Road to Assertiveness

I am trying to learn how to be assertive.  Those who know me, know that I am vocal, sometimes defensive and definitely aggressive in many ways.  I am outgoing and I have a dominant personality.  So it surprised me when my therapist charged me with developing my assertiveness.  What?  I tell people when I am happy or not.  I tell people what I want.  And he said, yes, I am sure you do.  But you don't insist that they respond in a certain way.  Well no, I guess I don't.  And then I end up beating myself up because everyone seems to let me down.  Why do heavy people tend to self-doubt?  Why do heavy people often think that their opinions mean less - or that their wants have to remain unfulfilled?  I need some insight here on "assertiveness" - what does it mean to you?

My mind's games....

Do you know that weighing yourself everyday is something that nutritionists recommend for people who want to hold their weight?  AKA, not gain weight, not lose weight.  Sometimes, while I am weighing myself twice a day, I contemplate this.... and wonder if it has the reverse effect?  If I weigh myself everyday, will I create a scenario where I don't lose any weight?  I know.... I know.  I am a little crazy - but we all have these things, don't we?  Little crazy hang ups....  This contemplation hasn't really driven me to give up the weighing addiction, although when the scale stops moving, I do stop stepping on it, even if only for a few days, just to see if it is true what they say..... ;)

Take Control of Your Care

Seriously?  I know that many doctors and pharmacists are not knowledgeable about the lap band.  But really?  On Sunday, I went to the doctor because my kids and me are sick.  They both got prescriptions and the doctor said I looked like I had a sinus infection and she recommended that I give it a day or two to see if it got better on its own - but if I was not better by Wednesday, I should take something.  I told her I could not take pills and that I wanted liquid Levaquin.  She wrote the prescription.  Tuesday night I had a temperature so I dropped the prescription off at Rite Aid.  They said they did not have it in stock and they would order it.  Wednesday they called to say they could not get it.  I called 20 different pharmacies and none had the liquid formulation.  Turns out that Levaquin pills cannot be crushed.  After 6 phone calls to my doctor and pharmacist, I finally took my care into my own hands.  Just give me liquid Augmentin and I will see if it works.  Round and round and round.  It is very frustrating.  My resolution came only after I called the pharmacy at NYU, where my surgery was done.  They made the recommendation because they know how to care for lapband patients.  Do not take for granted that doctors know how to care for you.... they are only our partners - they are guides.  We need to ultimately ensure that we get appropriate and suitable care.

Lapband surgery is quickly becoming the most COMMON surgery in the United States....is there a chance that the average small town physician will embrace the learning curve?

Bang!

I got a fill last Tuesday - 0.5 ccs. I think that puts me around 8ccs? Since my fill (in one week), I have lost 6 pounds. Yeah, 6. Six. Seis. I am not complaining - but I am trying to figure out why. I know that I drop quickly in the two liquid days, but why does it continue? And how far off track was I in the days leading up to my fill?

Those of you with children know that the second a mother gets used to one thing, the baby changes completely. I think the band is a lot like that. We chase this ideal level of restriction sometimes without realizing that it is a non static thing as well. Do I have restriction right now? I can only eat about a cup (or a cup and a half) of food and it takes me about 30 minutes to do that. I start very slowly and take a couple of minutes to get the process going. I eat twice a day - and will have a protein shake in the am if it is a day that I workout. I don't snack but I do drink coffee in between meals. This is restriction. I don't really enjoy eating and don't look forward to it the way I did before I had surgery. When something is really good and I eat it correctly, I do feel happy (the hummus at dinner on Friday). The thing is, this won't last forever. I will probably need another fill someday ;)

I know I have talked about this before but recently banded people who are in bandster hell don't realize completely that that period is a training period. You have no restriction. You have NO IDEA what restriction feels like. It is your practice time. Take it. Use it. Practice eating slowly in that period where making a mistake means puking it all up. (My husband calls it LOSING IT.) Be nice to yourself. This is a major transition and your success will come ;)

The dress came.....

As promised (ignore the fact that I just came from the gym and look a wreck)...

Boston Proper's size charts say: XXS(0), XS(2-4), S(6-8), M(10-12), L(14-16). This is a LARGE!!! My first non-plus sized dress in 18 years....