Real deal, no lie - I was a 24 when I had surgery. The smallest size I have in my closet is an 18. I have been wearing them firmly belted lately, resolving not to waste my money on size 16s and to just wait it out for awhile. I broke down the other day and ordered a pair of 16s from Old Navy. They came today and I was scared to try them on - didn't want to be discouraged. THEY ARE LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was crying and dancing around in them and my 7 year old daughter was like, "Are you okay?" YES I AM OKAY!!!!!!!!! I am more than OK!!! I cannot believe it. I am sooooo happy today. Today is a great day.
One other note: Today I have lost 63 pounds - EXACTLY half way to my goal of 160. 63 pounds to go! The first took me 5 months - even if the second takes me a year, I am in love with my band - and my future.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Embarrassed....
Oh man, I probably shouldn't be writing this but I have to share this very new feeling I had today. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Today my husband and I went to a New Year's brunch at a friend's house. We are very good friends with the two couples. And the two couples have been friends for more than 20 years. One of the wives is super healthy, awesome body that she works hard for. (She is positively lovely - they actually both are.) The other wife is extremely obese and so is her husband. They all knew I was having the surgery but they have not seen me since I lost the 60+ pounds to date. When I got there, every one commented on how great I look, but I have to say, I was embarrassed to be skinnier. It was a weird feeling. I am the fat one, that's my role. And I am no longer the fat one. And they asked me questions about my new lifestyle and my new eating habits and I was very hesitant to talk about how happy I am. I did not want the one heavier wife to feel like I felt I was better now. It was wildly uncomfortable and I was VERY careful to not talk about anything other than mechanics.
Then, to top it all off, this evening, I went out to dinner with my kids, my mom and my husband. I was telling my mom how I felt and my husband says, "In my opinion, you never should have said anything. You have to be careful how you make people feel." Has he lost his GD mind? I just stared at him with my mouth open. I didn't even know what to say. I have to be careful how I make people feel?????? It's not like I bought a new car - or freaking bought myself a $100,000 ring. I freaking had surgery to improve my health. I was fat and unhealthy and I was tired and miserable. And, I thought I did well by not focusing on how much I hated being fat, but rather on the changes I have had to make. When did this person's feelings trump mine? I think my husband actually believes that this wife does not mind being fat. I think he ignores the fact that they don't have children and she is 42 and they don't travel as much as they used to because she has to purchase two seats. I think he probably thinks she isn't uncomfortable every time she gets dressed - and maybe he even thinks she enjoyed her hernia repair surgery and the fibroids in her uterus. Did he not spend the last 16 years of his life living with a morbidly obese woman? Does he actually believe that I am unique in my sadness and frustration? Fat people have A LOT in common. I guess my skinny husband doesn't get it. Then maybe he should accept that he doesn't get it and not coach me on my interactions. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway....
Happy New Year people - this is my year - is it yours?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
NSV....
Yeah baby....ran over a mile straight today with no issues. Getting better...
I have also stopped weighing myself everyday and can I just say, it is extremely rewarding. Because my weight loss is now about 2-3 lbs per week, watching the scale daily can be very frustrating. But when you weigh yourself once a week, the change is pretty mind blowing. I recommend it.
And a comment about Christmas.... a nibble on a Christmas cookie, a couple glasses of wine... no excess... no self control needed and SERIOUSLY...no guilt. Let me just jot that down in my gratitude journal now.
I have also stopped weighing myself everyday and can I just say, it is extremely rewarding. Because my weight loss is now about 2-3 lbs per week, watching the scale daily can be very frustrating. But when you weigh yourself once a week, the change is pretty mind blowing. I recommend it.
And a comment about Christmas.... a nibble on a Christmas cookie, a couple glasses of wine... no excess... no self control needed and SERIOUSLY...no guilt. Let me just jot that down in my gratitude journal now.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Crying?
Ahhh...I have to put this one up on LapbandTalk....
Went to my monthly appointment today and actually saw my surgeon, who I think is a phenomenal doctor and person. As I have mentioned before on here, he too was banded. He looked at my 14 and 12 lb monthly loses over the last two months and said NO JUICE - and I am happy about that because I have been struggling a little, although it has been better lately.
We talked for awhile, about hair loss (it will stop when my weight stablizes) and having a glass of wine with dinner (you'll figure out how to do it someday). We also talked about the stress on relationships from such a life-changing event. A major topic was the issue of guilt - and how I no longer have guilt around food and how I feel that void so strongly sometimes that it hurts! It was a really great appointment, the kind that everyone deserves to have. And before I left, he said that the next 50 lbs will be life altering in a way I haven't experienced yet. He gave me a hug.
I got in my car, drove through the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to Jersey and promptly started crying. Not sad. Not really happy. Scared I think. I don't know. I no longer feel like people look at me and think, WHOA, she's fat. I no longer feel uncomfortable in public. I have clothes that look nice on me. I don't mind being naked (don't love it yet, but definitely don't mind). What am I scared of?
Got home and called the addiction therapist that I met with pre-surgery as one of my insurance requirements. Trying to make an appointment for January. Maybe he can help me with this scared thing.... what am I scared of? How can I be scared? And is it scared? Or is it happy? awwwwhhhhhh.....
When I met with the therapist the first time, he talked a lot about how the FAT BRAIN stays around a lot longer than the FAT BODY. But I told him then and I still feel now that I have always felt like a SKINNY person in a horribly torturous fat body. So this progress I have made is toward the reconciliation of my self and my body. Should that not be a good thing?
Went to my monthly appointment today and actually saw my surgeon, who I think is a phenomenal doctor and person. As I have mentioned before on here, he too was banded. He looked at my 14 and 12 lb monthly loses over the last two months and said NO JUICE - and I am happy about that because I have been struggling a little, although it has been better lately.
We talked for awhile, about hair loss (it will stop when my weight stablizes) and having a glass of wine with dinner (you'll figure out how to do it someday). We also talked about the stress on relationships from such a life-changing event. A major topic was the issue of guilt - and how I no longer have guilt around food and how I feel that void so strongly sometimes that it hurts! It was a really great appointment, the kind that everyone deserves to have. And before I left, he said that the next 50 lbs will be life altering in a way I haven't experienced yet. He gave me a hug.
I got in my car, drove through the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to Jersey and promptly started crying. Not sad. Not really happy. Scared I think. I don't know. I no longer feel like people look at me and think, WHOA, she's fat. I no longer feel uncomfortable in public. I have clothes that look nice on me. I don't mind being naked (don't love it yet, but definitely don't mind). What am I scared of?
Got home and called the addiction therapist that I met with pre-surgery as one of my insurance requirements. Trying to make an appointment for January. Maybe he can help me with this scared thing.... what am I scared of? How can I be scared? And is it scared? Or is it happy? awwwwhhhhhh.....
When I met with the therapist the first time, he talked a lot about how the FAT BRAIN stays around a lot longer than the FAT BODY. But I told him then and I still feel now that I have always felt like a SKINNY person in a horribly torturous fat body. So this progress I have made is toward the reconciliation of my self and my body. Should that not be a good thing?
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