Attention

I go to the gym every morning, at least 5 days a week. I don't have a lot of time, about 45 minutes, and I usually spend it at a relatively high intensity so I get some bang for my buck. People are starting to notice - I think 60 pounds was the threshold. I have read on other blogs that people are afraid to say something to you because they worry you are sick and thus losing a dramatic amount of weight. I have noticed that lately as people stare at me looking like they want to say something but holding back. But at the gym, they see you running and lifting weights so they can be fairly certain that you don't have a disease that is forcing you to lose weight. And the bold are starting to comment. Today, an old man that is there at the same time every day with me said I would look like him in a year... I laughed and said I would rather have boobs! People are crazy. I might be crazy too ;)

It wouldn't be my blog if we didn't go scientific every once and awhile... how is it that pre-surgery, I would shake and sweat if I ate less than 1300 calories - but post surgery, I can eat 700-800 calories and still run 2 miles? Is it that my body is using its own storage of fat? Or was the whole blood sugar thing in my head? Or perhaps it is a combination of both? This is my question for my surgeon next week....

Slower....

I am no longer a 286 lb woman with a 46 bmi. I have to embrace that each time I step on the scale. I worked hard for the weight I lost before my first fill - and I will have to work increasingly hard as I get closer to 160 pounds. I know this. I know that losing 130 lbs is different than losing 61. Losing at all is a big deal, right? I have lost weight before, but never could I continue losing and never EVER could I keep it off. I weigh 221 lbs today. So why am I frustrated that my scale is moving slower? Deep breath... I am scared that once I hit one year, I won't lose any more weight. That is 6 months from now - why am I freaking out? I probably won't have many more 14 pound months ahead - and that scares me. Can I live with 5 lb months? I have to be able to. I have to be able to see the positive in a 5 lb month. 5 lbs is 5 lbs right?

So much talk online now about the FDA potentially lowering the BMI requirements for the band. I read too much - I read about lack of long term data and it scares me. What does my future hold? Up until now, I just wanted to get the band and get skinnier and healthier. Will I reach my goal? Will I be able to maintain it? Statistics say that 75% of all lapband patients will lose 65% of their excess body weight in 18 months. My statistics show that I have lost 50% of my excess body weight in 5 months. That's good right? But what's waiting around the corner? Can I really do this?

Ok enough Molly - let's focus on the positive - I ran 2 miles straight yesterday. I did it! And I walked away... not limping ;) If that is not a significant improvement, nothing is.

I liked the old Molly better.

This from the mouth of a drunk "friend".... thanks.
Really? You liked the tired, fat, unhappy Molly better? Or did you like the Molly who constantly overcompensated for her weight by being OVERLY gregarious and crazy? That one? That's the one you liked? Or did you really prefer the Molly that did shots with you? Just an FYI, I didn't like the old Molly too much. But really, I am the same Molly, just without the shroud of weight weighing me down and making me uncomfortable. Yes, the new Molly doesn't do shots - but I chose to give up shots of tequila in order to renew my self-esteem and live a longer healthier life for my children. Seems like a reasonable trade to me.... too bad my "friend" doesn't agree. Bye bye Friend. My band and I don't need you anymore.

NO FREAKING WAY!!!!

Real deal, no lie - I was a 24 when I had surgery. The smallest size I have in my closet is an 18. I have been wearing them firmly belted lately, resolving not to waste my money on size 16s and to just wait it out for awhile. I broke down the other day and ordered a pair of 16s from Old Navy. They came today and I was scared to try them on - didn't want to be discouraged. THEY ARE LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was crying and dancing around in them and my 7 year old daughter was like, "Are you okay?" YES I AM OKAY!!!!!!!!! I am more than OK!!! I cannot believe it. I am sooooo happy today. Today is a great day.

One other note: Today I have lost 63 pounds - EXACTLY half way to my goal of 160. 63 pounds to go! The first took me 5 months - even if the second takes me a year, I am in love with my band - and my future.

Embarrassed....

Oh man, I probably shouldn't be writing this but I have to share this very new feeling I had today. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Today my husband and I went to a New Year's brunch at a friend's house. We are very good friends with the two couples. And the two couples have been friends for more than 20 years. One of the wives is super healthy, awesome body that she works hard for. (She is positively lovely - they actually both are.) The other wife is extremely obese and so is her husband. They all knew I was having the surgery but they have not seen me since I lost the 60+ pounds to date. When I got there, every one commented on how great I look, but I have to say, I was embarrassed to be skinnier. It was a weird feeling. I am the fat one, that's my role. And I am no longer the fat one. And they asked me questions about my new lifestyle and my new eating habits and I was very hesitant to talk about how happy I am. I did not want the one heavier wife to feel like I felt I was better now. It was wildly uncomfortable and I was VERY careful to not talk about anything other than mechanics.

Then, to top it all off, this evening, I went out to dinner with my kids, my mom and my husband. I was telling my mom how I felt and my husband says, "In my opinion, you never should have said anything. You have to be careful how you make people feel." Has he lost his GD mind? I just stared at him with my mouth open. I didn't even know what to say. I have to be careful how I make people feel?????? It's not like I bought a new car - or freaking bought myself a $100,000 ring. I freaking had surgery to improve my health. I was fat and unhealthy and I was tired and miserable. And, I thought I did well by not focusing on how much I hated being fat, but rather on the changes I have had to make. When did this person's feelings trump mine? I think my husband actually believes that this wife does not mind being fat. I think he ignores the fact that they don't have children and she is 42 and they don't travel as much as they used to because she has to purchase two seats. I think he probably thinks she isn't uncomfortable every time she gets dressed - and maybe he even thinks she enjoyed her hernia repair surgery and the fibroids in her uterus. Did he not spend the last 16 years of his life living with a morbidly obese woman? Does he actually believe that I am unique in my sadness and frustration? Fat people have A LOT in common. I guess my skinny husband doesn't get it. Then maybe he should accept that he doesn't get it and not coach me on my interactions. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway....

Happy New Year people - this is my year - is it yours?