I grew up on a horse farm in Nova Scotia. I rode show jumpers until I was 17, at which point, the finances and my weight (I couldn't be a serious rider and be chubby at the same time) kind of made it a moot point. My daughter has been riding since she was 5. We recently switched barns and I went to watch and to meet the trainer and the owner. In our conversation, the trainer said, "Why don't you ride anymore? Come ride with your daughter." At that point, I realized that they didn't know. For them, I AM skinny. They don't know that I WAS FAT or that I USED TO BE FAT - or that I am newly skinny. And for me, I didn't even realize that I was skinny enough to ride again.
Losing weight is NOTHING compared to moments like these. These are hard. They make you get into your car and sob with a mixture of fear and happiness. I'm afraid because I don't know who I am right now. And I am happy because I have left behind one of the major impediments to the life I wanted to lead. But all the emotions come together and overwhelm me sometimes. I have left I AM FAT behind, but I am not ready yet to leave I USED TO BE FAT behind. I am not ready. I am not ready to be I AM NOT FAT. I AM NOT HEAVY. I AM SKINNY.
When does that transition happen? And how does it happen? I guess there will always be people in my life who know I USED TO BE FAT. But what happens when my life increasingly becomes filled with people who never knew? I guess when it happens, I will be ready. More ready than I was yesterday I suppose. :)
That's one of those things that no one can prepare you for. I've had a hard time dealing with it too and I'm not a goal like you are...I can only imagine how it feels at goal...
ReplyDeleteBTW...I certainly hope you jumped on a horse and rode with your daughter (or at least plan to in the near future)!