Yeah baby....ran over a mile straight today with no issues. Getting better...
I have also stopped weighing myself everyday and can I just say, it is extremely rewarding. Because my weight loss is now about 2-3 lbs per week, watching the scale daily can be very frustrating. But when you weigh yourself once a week, the change is pretty mind blowing. I recommend it.
And a comment about Christmas.... a nibble on a Christmas cookie, a couple glasses of wine... no excess... no self control needed and SERIOUSLY...no guilt. Let me just jot that down in my gratitude journal now.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Crying?
Ahhh...I have to put this one up on LapbandTalk....
Went to my monthly appointment today and actually saw my surgeon, who I think is a phenomenal doctor and person. As I have mentioned before on here, he too was banded. He looked at my 14 and 12 lb monthly loses over the last two months and said NO JUICE - and I am happy about that because I have been struggling a little, although it has been better lately.
We talked for awhile, about hair loss (it will stop when my weight stablizes) and having a glass of wine with dinner (you'll figure out how to do it someday). We also talked about the stress on relationships from such a life-changing event. A major topic was the issue of guilt - and how I no longer have guilt around food and how I feel that void so strongly sometimes that it hurts! It was a really great appointment, the kind that everyone deserves to have. And before I left, he said that the next 50 lbs will be life altering in a way I haven't experienced yet. He gave me a hug.
I got in my car, drove through the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to Jersey and promptly started crying. Not sad. Not really happy. Scared I think. I don't know. I no longer feel like people look at me and think, WHOA, she's fat. I no longer feel uncomfortable in public. I have clothes that look nice on me. I don't mind being naked (don't love it yet, but definitely don't mind). What am I scared of?
Got home and called the addiction therapist that I met with pre-surgery as one of my insurance requirements. Trying to make an appointment for January. Maybe he can help me with this scared thing.... what am I scared of? How can I be scared? And is it scared? Or is it happy? awwwwhhhhhh.....
When I met with the therapist the first time, he talked a lot about how the FAT BRAIN stays around a lot longer than the FAT BODY. But I told him then and I still feel now that I have always felt like a SKINNY person in a horribly torturous fat body. So this progress I have made is toward the reconciliation of my self and my body. Should that not be a good thing?
Went to my monthly appointment today and actually saw my surgeon, who I think is a phenomenal doctor and person. As I have mentioned before on here, he too was banded. He looked at my 14 and 12 lb monthly loses over the last two months and said NO JUICE - and I am happy about that because I have been struggling a little, although it has been better lately.
We talked for awhile, about hair loss (it will stop when my weight stablizes) and having a glass of wine with dinner (you'll figure out how to do it someday). We also talked about the stress on relationships from such a life-changing event. A major topic was the issue of guilt - and how I no longer have guilt around food and how I feel that void so strongly sometimes that it hurts! It was a really great appointment, the kind that everyone deserves to have. And before I left, he said that the next 50 lbs will be life altering in a way I haven't experienced yet. He gave me a hug.
I got in my car, drove through the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to Jersey and promptly started crying. Not sad. Not really happy. Scared I think. I don't know. I no longer feel like people look at me and think, WHOA, she's fat. I no longer feel uncomfortable in public. I have clothes that look nice on me. I don't mind being naked (don't love it yet, but definitely don't mind). What am I scared of?
Got home and called the addiction therapist that I met with pre-surgery as one of my insurance requirements. Trying to make an appointment for January. Maybe he can help me with this scared thing.... what am I scared of? How can I be scared? And is it scared? Or is it happy? awwwwhhhhhh.....
When I met with the therapist the first time, he talked a lot about how the FAT BRAIN stays around a lot longer than the FAT BODY. But I told him then and I still feel now that I have always felt like a SKINNY person in a horribly torturous fat body. So this progress I have made is toward the reconciliation of my self and my body. Should that not be a good thing?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
TMI (don't read if you don't want to know)
Okay then.... got a little bump about 10 days ago. I was tight before and now I am, logically, even tighter. I was the girl who swore she would never PB. That goal is gone. I actually feel a little bulimic. Not by choice, just by circumstance. I cannot stand the sliming and the pain associated with having something stuck. I don't have sufficient patience. So I often lose the first couple of bites I take of something. Pretty gross - but I am working on it. I know I need to focus and take my time. I have had some successful meals - but mostly, I need a lot of time to eat. So much time that things get cold. So much time that sometimes I stop and go switch the laundry in the middle of a meal. I'm weird. Everyone around here is learning to accept it. I am struggling to get in 65 or 70 grams of protein though. I eat so little and think about food so infrequently, that I have to force myself to keep track. Protein shakes are my staple - I use them to catch up if I have fallen behind. Really truly, it is simply amazing how little I eat. Today, I have had a protein shake (25 grams of protein, 165 calories), a tiny can of tuna with mayo (200 calories and 18 grams of protein), 3 ounces of salmon (175 calories and 19 grams of protein) and a small piece of avocado (45 calories) and some coffee and water. That means 585 calories and 62 grams of protein. I am full and I will have to force in another protein shake just to feel like I had a sufficient intake. THIS BAND THING IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean seriously.... I have reduced my daily calorie intake by about 3000 calories. Although this week, I think I am too low and that's why I only lost 1.8 lbs instead of the 3 per week that I had been losing. But I have my next goal in sight - to have lost 60 lbs - only 8 lbs to go!
I have reread some of my earlier posts and it is so funny how much I have changed and how much my experience with the band has changed. I love it still - but my life is so different and it no longer revolves around food. I wish I could have done this myself but there would have been NO WAY IN THE WORLD that would have happened. Thank you Doctor Fielding for keeping your promise.
I have reread some of my earlier posts and it is so funny how much I have changed and how much my experience with the band has changed. I love it still - but my life is so different and it no longer revolves around food. I wish I could have done this myself but there would have been NO WAY IN THE WORLD that would have happened. Thank you Doctor Fielding for keeping your promise.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Come on 50!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah yeah...I'm still here. Plugging away....might be near my sweet spot... weight is just coming off. Go for a fill tomorrow - but do I need one if I have lost 14-15lbs in the last month? I wish I could explain really how it feels to really really be losing weight. Not the yo-yo stuff - but really be getting smaller every day. I will probably be in the 230s tomorrow morning - from 286!!!! 50 lbs is just around the corner.... OMG.
I just read a post online about feeling bulimic. I definitely feel bulimic. When things get stuck, I just don't have the restraint to wait it out. I want it gone. So this means that I have days where I can't keep down anything I eat. But then I have a stretch like I have had this week where everything is fine (I probably need a fill). The fewer distractions I have, the better I do. If the phone rings, maybe I swallow before I have chewed enough. If people are talking to me, maybe I lose the concentration it takes to chew food to liquid... I am figuring it out and I have to say, this is the best decision I ever made ;)
I just read a post online about feeling bulimic. I definitely feel bulimic. When things get stuck, I just don't have the restraint to wait it out. I want it gone. So this means that I have days where I can't keep down anything I eat. But then I have a stretch like I have had this week where everything is fine (I probably need a fill). The fewer distractions I have, the better I do. If the phone rings, maybe I swallow before I have chewed enough. If people are talking to me, maybe I lose the concentration it takes to chew food to liquid... I am figuring it out and I have to say, this is the best decision I ever made ;)
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