TMI (don't read if you don't want to know)

Okay then.... got a little bump about 10 days ago. I was tight before and now I am, logically, even tighter. I was the girl who swore she would never PB. That goal is gone. I actually feel a little bulimic. Not by choice, just by circumstance. I cannot stand the sliming and the pain associated with having something stuck. I don't have sufficient patience. So I often lose the first couple of bites I take of something. Pretty gross - but I am working on it. I know I need to focus and take my time. I have had some successful meals - but mostly, I need a lot of time to eat. So much time that things get cold. So much time that sometimes I stop and go switch the laundry in the middle of a meal. I'm weird. Everyone around here is learning to accept it. I am struggling to get in 65 or 70 grams of protein though. I eat so little and think about food so infrequently, that I have to force myself to keep track. Protein shakes are my staple - I use them to catch up if I have fallen behind. Really truly, it is simply amazing how little I eat. Today, I have had a protein shake (25 grams of protein, 165 calories), a tiny can of tuna with mayo (200 calories and 18 grams of protein), 3 ounces of salmon (175 calories and 19 grams of protein) and a small piece of avocado (45 calories) and some coffee and water. That means 585 calories and 62 grams of protein. I am full and I will have to force in another protein shake just to feel like I had a sufficient intake. THIS BAND THING IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean seriously.... I have reduced my daily calorie intake by about 3000 calories. Although this week, I think I am too low and that's why I only lost 1.8 lbs instead of the 3 per week that I had been losing. But I have my next goal in sight - to have lost 60 lbs - only 8 lbs to go!

I have reread some of my earlier posts and it is so funny how much I have changed and how much my experience with the band has changed. I love it still - but my life is so different and it no longer revolves around food. I wish I could have done this myself but there would have been NO WAY IN THE WORLD that would have happened. Thank you Doctor Fielding for keeping your promise.

Come on 50!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah yeah...I'm still here. Plugging away....might be near my sweet spot... weight is just coming off. Go for a fill tomorrow - but do I need one if I have lost 14-15lbs in the last month? I wish I could explain really how it feels to really really be losing weight. Not the yo-yo stuff - but really be getting smaller every day. I will probably be in the 230s tomorrow morning - from 286!!!! 50 lbs is just around the corner.... OMG.

I just read a post online about feeling bulimic. I definitely feel bulimic. When things get stuck, I just don't have the restraint to wait it out. I want it gone. So this means that I have days where I can't keep down anything I eat. But then I have a stretch like I have had this week where everything is fine (I probably need a fill). The fewer distractions I have, the better I do. If the phone rings, maybe I swallow before I have chewed enough. If people are talking to me, maybe I lose the concentration it takes to chew food to liquid... I am figuring it out and I have to say, this is the best decision I ever made ;)

Halloween Sucks

Candy is everywhere!!!!!!! ARHGHGHGHG..... and chocolate is pretty easy to eat IF you are hungry, have not eaten and aren't drinking. So this is my solution, I drink water incessantly. If not water, then Vitamin Water Zero or a G2. It is painful to eat something when you are drinking so this works pretty well as a deterrent. And I am about to hit 40 lbs right when my house fills up with candy.... why.....???

New Orleans - Diet Blower?

Oh yeah...I'm not on a diet. And oh yeah...I can't blow the non-existent diet.

Old me moment....diet diet diet, go away for the weekend and gain 5 lbs that took me one month to take off. Be stressed - so stressed I didn't want to go anywhere. That's the old me - the pre-band me. The new me just realized that it doesn't matter where I go, I won't be able to overeat and I won't be able to sabotage myself. Can you imagine???

I have lost 5lbs since my fill last Thursday. I have to eat SUPER slow - and I really have quite a lot of restriction. I am still sometimes frustrated by it - but really, I am super grateful. I weighed 247.8 lbs this morning. My size 18s are loose. I can wear shorts in New Orleans and not be the fat sweaty girl. Have I mentioned lately that I love my band?

Frustration

Frustration has set in a little. I had a .5 cc fill on Thursday and I really cannot eat anything. I had to hide in the bushes at soccer yesterday to spit up a drink of lemonade that I took too quickly. All that time that the doctors tell you to chew thoroughly and sip your drinks, it was practice. Practice for this time where the band is unforgiving and nothing goes through that hasn't been completely measured and masticated. I am kind of frustrated.... ;( My sister is visiting and she was not really supportive of this surgery - and then to have her see me struggle like this - it is a little embarassing. She didn't even comment on my weight loss!!

I keep telling myself that this is a rough period and it will pass and I will make the adjustment. I am bolstered by my doctor's visit and their positively thrilled feedback on my progress to date. I have been chugging along - 5lbs in 3 weeks. I cannot complain about that - and the doctor is extremely impressed with my progress. I have to keep reminding myself that this was the point - I want to be skinnier. I want to wear nice clothes. Yesterday I wore size 18 skinny jeans with 3 inch heel boots - I felt so different. No longer the FATEST girl in the room. I have to keep focusing on this - and not on the other things.

One note on the physical....I can feel my band now. Maybe it is the swelling... but I can feel it. If I lie on my left side, I feel my organs pushing on it. It's strange - I never felt it before. But as the nurse said, we are now getting to the sweet spot - to the kind of restriction that I am supposed to have. I don't go back until November 15 so it will be interesting to see how I settle into this over the next couple of weeks.